dates are booked. can't wait.

so. I got on the phone yesterday afternoon to book a date to record. we'll be going into the studio on March 5th (Signature Sounds studio, only the coolest place ever)! ! ! my musicians and I will pack up the car on Friday night that weekend, head down to Pomfret, eat dinner with Mark (our sound engineer), and set up the studio. the next day we'll spend an entire 8-10 hours recording as many songs as we can perfectly, possibly live. we'll see. Mark said that he really wants to highlight the glock parts on this record, and I'm excited to hear what that will sound like. I can see that really working...especially because I love Rachel and everyone else loves her parts whenever she plays with me. I'm totally and completely stoked for this day! we'll spend the majority of February working our butts off and polishing the hell out of these songs. it's going to be great. :)

in the meantime, I need to fundraise. I have enough to go into the studio for the one day, but I do not have the extra it will take to duplicate the record or mix and master it. so that's another story. hehe. if you're reading this and you want to donate, go here: http://www.feedthemuse.net/bethcolegrove

I need about $2000 in order to duplicate, mix, and master. let's keep the checks coming!

I have a whole crapload of other stuff going on, too. I'm moving in with Lindsey tomorrow. OMG. I just ordered something on Barnes and Noble's website and used my NEW address! so crazy. I'm shopping for jobs (still). I'm going on a roadtrip in another week. and and and. so much. it's unbelievable how wide-open my life is. I wake up in the morning and am excited for what comes next. it's great to have that feeling.

love yourself so you can love others,

--Beth

a little freaked out, but hopeful. :)

I am officially a graduate. ! ! ! I went and checked my grades this morning, and I had 3 Bs (B+, B-, B), an A, and a P. :) I am so so happy with that.

Now what?

I'm sure every graduate has this feeling in some capacity. for me it's a feeling of an open road ahead of me...I'm completely unaware of what comes next. I can see it going several ways. scenario 1: I find a full time job by the end of this month, I gig on weekends and nights. scenario 2: no full time job, so I pick up another part time. I work two jobs and gig a ton. scenario 3: no full time, no part time, I work at waltham as much as I can, playing gigs and just scraping by. HOPEFULLY it'll be scenario 1, but I could deal with any of them. I know I won't be turned out on the street either way, which is more than I can say for some of my friends. I'm lucky that way. am I nervous? yes. am I so nervous that it's disabling? no.

I've been putting out resumes left and right, and I'm hoping that at least one of them will lead me to a job. if not, I can get by. I will. I have a family that loves and supports me and a girlfriend who will stick by no matter what. (notice how I'm reassuring myself? haha...)

what I'm praying for is a phone call from Luis in the next two weeks telling me that I got the job at children's. however, I know that's a pipe dream because he probably interviewed a handful of other candidates that were more qualified than I am. we'll see?

all I know is that as an aspiring musician, a full time job with benefits would allow me to do what I want to do worry free. and I want to be fairly worry free! so I'm going to keep sending out resumes. five a day, ideally. keep me in your prayers, friends.

Lindsey is back from Spain, which is a nice big sigh for me. :) after a sweet Christmas, she is home to keep me warm and snuggly. she had a good time, but I can tell she's glad to be back. long trips can be taxing. today's plan: work, picking her up and cleaning her car off so she can go to her massage this afternoon, and trying to make it to the rmv to get my new car registered! I have a new car and a new guitar to start the new year. and my new life as a recent graduate. so many changes in my life, but all good ones...all in an upward direction.

looking back, I'm not really sure how I made it here. I have friends who dropped out of college because it was just too hard, transferred out of Boston, you name it. it could have been me when I think about my freshman year. I was miserable. but I stuck it out, stayed here, and I'm so glad that I did. Boston is really home now.

I move into my apartment with Lindsey on Thursday. dad's helping me load a truck up. I'm so so glad. it's time for a change of location. even if it's not the perfect place for us, we're still able to share it, and that's a big deal. I start packing tomorrow. haha...

I plan on taking a road trip with her to NYC, probably next weekend. my 'rents gave me some money for a trip to celebrate graduation (so nice), and I want to spend it on a weekend in the city, just enjoying life and going for fancy dinners, staying in a nice hotel. we'll probably drive my new car there, park it in a garage for two days and spend the rest of the weekend on foot. her friend Amy lives in the city and so we might have a meal or two with her. go explore all the cute little nooks in the city, maybe go to chinatown, see some art museums. :) I can't wait.

in other news, I've made a decision about how I want to do this record. I want to get Rachel, Jeff, and Kevin to nail down a few dates in February to really rehearse the hell out of some songs. then in March when we're ready, we'll go to Signature Sounds Studio for a full day and lay down as many tracks as we can perfectly. that will be the record. mixing, mastering, and duplication will come once I have the cash. I realized that I want this to be a simple project; something that's really me in a record, but isn't too complex. something gentle.

so. many exciting and daunting things. goodness to come.

<3

--Beth

new gym schedule/list of triggers

I've decided to incorporate some discipline into my routine once I get home from Christmas. so here it is!

Monday: outdoor run. start with 3 miles.

Tuesday: half hour weights, 1 mile on the treadmill.

Wednesday: treadmill run. 3 miles.

Thursday: half hour weights, 1 mile on the treadmill.

Friday: outdoor run. 4 miles.

Saturday: off.

Sunday: off.


triggers (things that make me over-eat or skip the gym):

-needy friends

-work stress

-fatigue (lack of sleep)

-going out for dinner with friends/Lindsey

-family stress

-tiny candies in the work place, or things that roomies leave around the house. if I eat one, then I will eventually eat five.

so I know what I can do to combat these things. obviously there will be slip-ups. but practice makes perfect. it's just like learning an instrument. I need the discipline of practice.

ok? ok. no more excuses. just do it for me. do it because I want to do it.

--Beth

January hit you like a ball and chain, like cigarettes in the pouring rain...

why do we celebrate new years? I'm sure there is some logical/historical reason for the holiday, but the fact is it all seems a little silly. there's that rule that says wherever you are on new years eve is where you'll be for the rest of the year...in some capacity. so if I'm at home watching tv, I'll be a couch potato. if I'm out seeing music, I'll be producing/watching/playing music for the rest of the year. silly. very very silly. so people scramble to find new years plans. it's like if I don't have a plan, then I have no dignity for the rest of the year.

I think it's more likely about having a fresh start than anything else; humans make mistakes and mess up so often that we sometimes need to just say "ok, let's try again". :) my current housemate has a tradition with her best friend. whenever they've had an awful week, or a bad month, they start a new year. they say "happy new year" to each other on facebook and over the phone, and it's the cutest thing ever. plus, it gives them the opportunity to start fresh with someone that they love. lord knows I could use a new start on a few things...but this year is a lot better than others. I know last year, I was DYING for new years eve to come along so that I could forget about the year behind me and start again. and lo and behold, it worked. I got off my ass, boosted my grades, fell in love, etc. this year I'm a little sad to see 2010 go. but I always welcome change--after all, as cliche as this sounds: it's one of the only constants in this silly arbitrary life.

things that I would like to be shiny again include my weight loss/workout routine, a job (hopefully a new one), my folk career, and my living situation. but--this year I feel like my list is full of things that I want to improve on, not change completely. that, I am grateful for. of course I am sure that I can discover a thing or two that needs to be completely revamped in the next few days. ;)

I think December often feels like a waiting period. there's all this build up to the new year, to Christmas, to the birth of Christ...I like this Jason Myles Goss lyric: "December is a heaven that the angels hide". that is how I feel in the month of waiting. like it's almost magical. the first snow fall, giddy Christmas shopping, guiltless indulgences (mmn...Christmas fudge), and long Buffy marathons when I get home from work to pass the time until I drive up to be with family. waiting. I feel like it's this historical and long embedded form of waiting that everyone experiences, though.


well. let's love each other through the waiting, yes?

--Beth

I'm at work right now. nice morning, very peaceful. I got here around 9, did my admin stuff with kidtrax, cleaned up a bit, and now I'm just chillin. I did my devotional right here at the front desk, wrote in my journal, and now I'm blog-a-logging. I just read this article that was pretty thought provoking:

http://www.cnn.com/2010/TRAVEL/12/21/tsa.patdown.sex.crime.victims/index.html?hpt=C2

it's all about the TSA and the recent pat-downs/x-rays they've been doing. the thought had crossed my mind that this could be a giant trigger for those who have been victims of sexual abuse or rape, child porn, etc...and then I saw this article and it confirmed my fears. these poor people are afraid to leave their houses because of the TSA. is this right? I think not. as someone who has people very close who have experienced abuse or rape, I am highly offended by the new security measures that have been enforced. for the emotional and physical safety of survivors, I think this should be put to rest. just personal opinion.

I love going on CNN and reading about what's going on in the world. sometimes it gets to be a bit much though, and I've even admitted to my mother that I get anxious before bed and leave the hall light on after I've read about a murder. it's horrible, and arbitrary, and yet it's all so planned. scary. but then I read articles about miraculous things that happen (like the one about the humpback whale that was trapped in a net and nudged her heroes in thanksgiving), and I am encouraged. because life can be horrible and arbitrary, but it can also be wonderful and arbitrary. that's why we keep getting up in the morning, right?

in other news, I've been feeling more and more encouraged about a new start for January with some more weight-loss. when I'm ready, I'll make some new goals and incentives. maybe when I've lost the initial 2-5 pounds? once again, this time around it's all about enjoying it, not forcing it. there's a picture in my head of this skinny free-spirited me, and I know that I'm part of the way there. I just need to go the extra mile.

after I finish blogging, it's back to the job hunt. I really want to work at Children's, so I'm starting there. but I'm going to extend my reach to other kid's hospitals and definitely continue to consider jobs at residential facilities. I was encouraged when I applied for a child-life specialist position. I didn't realize that the qualifications needed for the position were a degree in child development or a related field (BA). I always thought you needed to be specifically certified in child-life, but at Children's I guess they must train you on the job. interesting. that's something I can see myself loving.

anywho. the other thing I need to get back on is making this record, booking some gigs for the spring, and being a musician again. :) I've raised 1000. I'm half way considering beginning the initial recording process and then going where my heart tells me to from there. thoughts? fellow musicians, is this something that you would advise me to do? I can afford two days of in studio at this point, and I think I could get most of my basic tracks down with that. I've been thinking about my band, and I really enjoyed the set up of my last passim show. Rachel, Jeff, Kevin, and I have good chemistry and sound good together...even if Jeff's parts are a little more sparse on the record since he will be acting as partial producer. I know that I want this record to be simple but unique. no drums, light bass tracks. good harmonies, some unexpected instruments, and I want the lyricism and vocal stylings to stand out more than anything.

I'm looking forward to it.

where there is hatred, sow love, friends.
--Beth

a new nephew, graduation, job interviews, general craziness...

so...a lot has happened in the last year. my nephew was born yesterday afternoon at about 4:45 PM, and that was amazing! his name is River, and he is 8 pounds and 3 ounces of love. I got to hold him a couple of hours after his birth. he is so precious. those little hands/ears/eyes...it's so crazy to be an aunt and to have graduated and to be starting this whole new life in about two weeks.

I feel like I have done a 180. I kept true to that promise. I've lost a good chunk of the bad habits I used to have. but in the spirit of change, I think I may re-title this blog. the days of forcing myself to be better are over. the days of feeling blessed to be able to change are here. I think that this coming year should be about strength and open hands; maybe I'll go back to that place in my life when I asked more questions about what it was I was supposed to do. I truly do believe that everyone has a calling in life. there's something special we're all made to do. I really do stand by the place in my heart for divine intercession and "everything happens for a reason", so with that said:

I'm here God--make me an instrument of your peace.


--Beth

the soul is made of such a thread--no matter how it tears it always tries to mend.

thought provoking day.

I woke up early to go to weight watchers. they've begun a new plan called the "points plus" plan. basically it comes down to adding a point or two more for carb heavy meals, not counting fruits and vegetables, and piling on some more points for every weight watchers member. I think it's a step in the right direction. I really needed something new, so I'm happy about it. I think it will help me to keep on burning those calories and stay optimistic.

I went over to gold's gym and checked the scene out. it looks good...cheap for a year, classes, and nice people. nobody was trying to talk me into bringing a friend or paying more money.

after that I stayed in bed and bummed around a little bit more. typical sunday morning things--laundry, dishes, etc.

then I met a friend in harvard square for some tea. this was when I began to feel strange. lately the stress has just been piling on...graduating, finding a full-time job, moving into a new place, getting by every month on the money I have, and let's not forget family holidays. in any case, what I normally do when I'm stressed is eat. I've been turning to that the last couple of weeks, and I gotta say, it's not really helping. today I decided to have some candy and call it quits after that, but more recently it's been chicken wings, french fries, burgers, chocolate (and all in the same day sometimes). I hate myself even more for it after all is said and done, and it increases my stress level. so this week I'm going to try the new plan. I'm not going to eat any junk, and I'm going to keep my sugar level low. hopefully this will make my stress even more manageable. there's a light at the end of the tunnel; only two weeks or so left of class.

tonight I went to bertucci's for salad with lindsey. we had some good conversation and met some cool people in the square. it made me remember that I should keep my eyes open to strangers. selfishness is over-rated. this week/month I'm going to try something new: the next time I want to go out and eat a huge meal that my stomach can't afford, I'm going to buy something healthy for someone who needs it more. typically I overeat when I'm worried about someone else who I love (or myself), and this could be a way of taking care of someone in a tangible sense and taking care of myself by refusing to eat the pain.

right now I'm listening to the tracks I have so far for the new record. I'm really seeing a story starting to form with all of these songs. I love it when a theme develops in a new project without my effort. it's like all of these songs just fit together in a weird sort of coincidental way. this record is going to be different and I can't wait to actually record it and put it out. just need about $3000. I already have $1000 raised.

well...that's about it for tonight! here's to a good monday.

be good to yourselves so that you can be good to those you love,

--Beth

lucky and thankful and lucky.

I'm sitting on my girlfriend's bed. It's November 24th, day before thanksgiving, and I signed into my blog and realized that it truly has been a year or so since I started this project. While I would have liked to have lost more, I have lost 17 glorious pounds. That, I am proud of. I have made so many life changes since I started this blog (not just my eating habits): I am a regular runner. I have started to pray again. I signed up for a half marathon in February. I am writing songs again. I have learned to have boundaries. I have learned that even when I love someone so hard that my heart wants to burst, even then, I can step back and drink a cup of tea and have a good night's sleep. I wear skinny jeans now. I have a steady job. I don't call in sick unless I am dying (though my supervisor is being wonderful and allowing me the day off on friday, even though I wasn't supposed to have it off). I'm in a healthy and dedicated relationship that does not revolve around some sort of conflict, secret, or sadness. I'm moving in with her in January! I'm graduating! All of this good good change, sometimes overwhelming, but mostly good.

It's been a stressful couple of weeks...talking to professors, family/holidays, work, graduating, etc. But I signed on tonight to remind myself of all of the sweet change I have been making, and the changes that I will continue to make. After all, what is life without change? It's a constant, and I never thought I'd learn to say this--but it's a constant that I welcome thankfully.

Last thanksgiving I was 17 pounds heavier and it showed. Not just on my body, but in my soul.

I used to livejournal about all of the different things in my life that I was thankful for (oh to be 16). :) I am going to revisit tradition:

What it looks like to be thankful as a 22 year old Beth:

1. Thankful for the freedom to express myself and identify as a unique person. Thankful that I'm not so scared anymore.

2. Thankful for biological family, regardless of differences.

3. Thankful for best friends, friends that I've had since I was 16 and livejournal-ing. People who have stuck by me through ramen noodles Freshman year, bad break-ups, depression, weight-gain, changing majors three times, and so much more. So thankful.

4. Thankful for the family that I created for myself when I moved out to Boston. Ani said it right...we make our own families.

5. Thankful for the memories I've made with those who have passed in and out of my life. I will always have a tape recorder in my brain repeating the happy parts.

6. Thankful for the love of my life--someone who sticks by when we're laughing and when it don't come easy. She is the sweetest of sweet, and I'm so lucky. I am.

7. Thankful for singing.

8. Thankful for all of the resources God seemed to throw into my lap. Food, a roof over my head, people to love me. Not everyone gets those things.

9. Thankful for second chances with people I thought were lost and gone.

10. Thankful for the community I am surrounded by on a daily basis in this beautiful city. It's so great to be here (even though I do forget it sometimes).


Here to remind myself that I am so lucky. We are lucky, and we shouldn't forget it. Not ever.


Be good to yourselves so that you can be good to others, and happy thanksgiving

--Beth

New goals. Getting geared up for the fall.

Heyyo--

So it's been a little over two months since I last blogged. Hahaha...I sound like a catholic: "forgive me father for I have sinned, it has been over two months since my last confession". Anyway, it's been two months of being lame and slacking off. So this week I got back on the horse and have been super healthy. I went for an early morning run with my brother and sister in law on Monday, and that helped to set the scene for a good week. I've been doing my points hardcore in a brand new little food log book, and I have a couple of brand new goals.

1. Run a half marathon next year. That means I have an entire year to train for a thirteen mile run, which is totally doable. I'm really proud of myself for believing that I can do this in the first place...I was the kid who was picked last for gym class. I never believed I could run a mile in under 14 minutes, let alone run 13.1! So--I think this goal will be incredibly difficult to attain, but I do believe I can do it with perseverance.

2. Lose another 30 pounds. That's a lot. Last I checked I was down 14 (a little bit up from the last time due to slackage). 14 is great! When I started this project, I was afraid I couldn't even lose 5! So I'm celebrating that. However, that does not mean that I can just stop. I want to lose more! And I want to keep it off. That's the part that's important...I want this to stick. Real lifestyle changes don't happen over-night, they happen over the course of years. So I have to give myself the room to make mistakes while also being faithful to the diet and excersize plan I've made for myself.

I have a more detailed goals and incentives chart on my bedroom wall, and that helps with putting things in perspective. I just want to keep up with checking things off and rewarding myself in the process. Sometimes I forget that it's there.

So--how can you help me? If I'm out for dinner or drinks with you and I am eye-ing the delicious molten chocolate lava cake, tell me to just say no. If I'm on the phone with you after a hard day, and I say "oh, I think I'll just skip the gym today", tell me to haul ass! Tell me that I'm worth so much more than excuses. Because I am.

I am so looking forward to doing this.

<3

Peace,

--Beth

I could easily gain all of this back.

so. I woke up this morning after a night at the club with Dija, and hopped on the scale...I don't know if it was just my imagination, but the little needle was up a little bit higher than it was the last time I hopped on that scale. granted, it's a crap scale, so it doesn't always read me correctly. but I'm realizing that I could easily gain back my fourteen pounds (and may have already put on two or three of it) if I'm not careful. It's been a terrible week. I've had so many cheats. I don't have any excuses. I have had a lot on my mind, but that doesn't warrant bad habits...in fact it should dissuade them.

I WANT TO KEEP ON LOSING THIS WEIGHT! I don't want to go back up to what I was. I want to keep on losing it. It's only been recently that I've realized I'm not just talking about the physical stuff...there is a burden that I'm really trying to release right now. It's taking a lot of shaking off in order to really stand tall. I want to stand tall, and I want to be proud of my body. I don't want to feed it brownie sundaes, cookies, burgers, and pizza (which are just some of the things I've polluted it with this week). I want to be proud.

It's just such a struggle when I'm out with friends and they say, "oh, just have one drink..." And it wouldn't, if it were a light beer. But it's a margarita, or a chocolate martini. And then I'm down 600 calories and it's 10 PM.

This week=super serious week in Beth's diet life. That means no carbs after 8, lots of veggies, very minimal eating out, and five visits to the gym. I'll weigh myself on the gym scale next Sunday and see where I'm at.

Loving myself so that I can love others,

--Beth

Too much food.

Here is the cruel reality: I have been about 30 points or above on my food log every freaking day this week. OI. big mess up. I would like to trick myself and say that I've been ok, that I haven't been that bad. BUT I HAVE. I need to get back on track, or I will gain back the 12 pounds that I've lost in the last two months. I've worked hard for it, so I refuse to do that.

I have been to the gym twice, and had one day where I helped Lindsey move (which was probably even better than going to the gym), but that's not enough to even out the horrible portion control I've had this week. Not to mention I've just been binge eating like crazy. I've been stressed, but that's no excuse to let myself go. In fact, that's more reason to eat healthy...so that I don't get even MORE stressed. That is something I've learned.

I thought that writing this down and getting it out there would help me to get back on track. This week's goal: starting tomorrow (dumb memorial day excuses be damned), I am going to focus on my fruits and veggies. I will be around 24 points or a couple above that every day, and I'll make it to the gym four times...if not five. That will put me in good spirits for my weekend to myself in Maine, and it will help me to get through the stress of starting new classes on Tuesday.

The thing of it is, this kind of eating does not make me feel good. I feel bloated, stuffed, and generally nutty in the head. Not the right kind of fuel to be putting into my body. As Beth (my trainer) always said, your body is a porsche. You have to put good fuel into it in order for it to function correctly. You wouldn't feed a porsche just any old gasoline.

Signing out for now, guys.

Hold me to it.

Love yourselves.

--Beth

I'm gonna have to try just a little bit harder if I want all the things I know I want before I die--

Hey yo,

So I've been hovering around the 10 pounds lost marker for the last week or so. The reason? I haven't hit the gym hard this week. I went TWICE! Horrors. I may go again today, but it's been a hectic week what with finals and all...and basically I could keep making excuses, but I know that ultimately I'm just going to have to step it up this coming week. Starting tomorrow. I WANT TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT. I look at pictures of myself, and while I'm happier with what I've been seeing recently, it's not the girl that I was my Freshman or Sophomore year of college. It's her plus 30 pounds. I want to be her MINUS some. :)

So this week, I resolve to hit the gym hard no matter what I have going on...school work, emotional pain, a stomach ache, a constant need to sort my sock drawer. It's going to happen. On top of that, no slacking in the food log department. I want to ensure a solid weigh in next Sunday. Even though I was happy with today's weigh in (because I didn't gain anything, and I even lost like...maybe half a pound), I want to be thrilled.

Other things I've been learning: I have a great need to fill this giant empty space in my belly/heart. My big three are food, caffeine, and sex. The days that I feel most fully myself are the days that I don't turn to these things for comfort. I'd like to try and move towards feeling whole...it's a slow journey, though.

Go to bed hungry, my loves...

--Beth

wow.

Hey all,

this has been a stressful week. For the most part I stayed away from my temptations, kept to the program...but I've definitely had better weeks. It's not over yet. In my discouragement over my strike last night (curly fries and bailey's at sub rosa), I went back on my facebook page and read the blog that my friend Rachel Kelly left for me. It helped. This woman really has some hard-core wisdom to share, so read if you get a chance...especially if you're going through a similar struggle in your weight:

http://glutenfreegirl.blogspot.com/2010/04/carry-that-weight.html

This excerpt in particular really hit me. The first part is from a book called "Savor: Mindful Eating, Mindful Life". The rest is her writing:

"'As you begin to look deeply into the roots of your weight problem, take care not to be harsh on yourself. The 'judge' inside your head often makes you feel abad about all the 'shoulds' — you should not have eaten that cheesecake, you should have spent more time at the gym. You may also be daunted by your past failures and struggles with weight. It is time to stop blaming yourself for these failures. Perhaps you were following the wrong advice. Perhaps you were able to lose some weight initially on one diet or another, but the diets were too restrictive, your cravings took hold, and you eventually gave up and gained the weight back. You are not separate from your family and environment. In the past you did not have enough of the right conditions supporting you to maintain a healthy weight.'

I'm not going to say no to the self I am, or wish to remove parts of myself, or aim for some artificial goal. I haven't weighed myself once in the last month. I'm not interested in the numbers.

I know I am on the right path by the way my clothes fit, by what other people say, by how my body feels. This isn't about a goal for me, the endpoint when I can finally relax and say now I'm good enough. I'm here. Now."

--Shauna James Ahern, "Gluten-Free Girl and The Chef"

This part really hit me hard. On this journey, I've blamed myself so much for some of the weight gain. At times, I feel like that blame has helped me to push harder, but I also need to acknowledge that it's not all my fault I went through some hard times, and food was my coping mechanism. I come from a background where that is acceptable. I'd like that to change, but I don't need to continuously beat myself up when the scale doesn't say what I want it to say.

I need to be real with myself. Shauna said something about "the thirst for the genuine", originally phrased by Mark Doty. I feel that thirst. It's why I started this blog to begin with. I felt this pull in December to be real. When I wasn't making strides to be healthier, I was consuming all of this fake food. I was constantly eating out, and when I didn't eat out I made myself a can of spaghetti-o's or some kind of processed food that didn't take time. I became tired of living fake.

Slip-ups are inevitable. I just need to remember the real every time that I reach for something fried, processed, or sweet.

So, keep being thirsty for the genuine, guys.

--Beth

6.5 down!

Hey all,

I kept with the program this week, and lost another pound and a half. Of course, this may fluctuate over the next week because I think I will be on the rag shortly. :) Oh joy. I was around a lot of fattening foods this weekend (and a lot of people eating them), but I said no every time! I'm very proud of myself. This week I want to hit the gym a lot more, and stick with my food log/points.

Cool link: http://www.boston.com/video/viral_page/?/services/player/bcpid6936117001&bclid=570307436&bctid=78548779001

If a 71 year old woman can run a marathon, so can I some day. Damn. And first in her age group! How does that even happen? It puts things in perspective...

In other news, support my musical cause!

http://feedthemuse.net/bethcolegrove

Signing off for now. Keep on going to bed hungry, kids.

--Beth

Five pounds down, 20 to go...

Hey all!

I know I haven't written in a bit. I've been busy figuring all of this out. So about two weeks ago I had a pretty intense personal training session. I realized I needed to stop making excuses for myself and knuckle down, just be ok with this (ani lmao). So after a few awful tears with Lindsey and Beth (my trainer), I told myself I'd be serious and get something accomplished. Two weeks went by, and I was super serious about my food log. I hit the gym five times each week. I lost five pounds in two weeks! I was clearly cheating myself this whole time.

WORD TO THE WISE: Don't cheat yourself. Don't make excuses. It only makes you cry like a silly little fool in front of your buddies. :) Don't waste your time skirting around the thing you KNOW YOU HAVE TO DO. Just do it, because you'll feel so much better when it's done! Hopefully I will continue to lose about two pounds a week (if I'm lucky), and by the end of the summer I'll be a lean mean fighting machine. So after Sunday, I hunkered down with my food log again. I'm keeping at it. The funny thing is that I don't want to go back to eating crap. Binge eating isn't even appetizing to me, because the feeling of losing that five pounds was SO GOOD. Even if I get on the scale on Sunday and find that nothing has changed, I want to keep working at it, because I know it eventually will.

I've been grocery shopping like a maniac. Things I've discovered that have been helpful: organic juice boxes (low sugar low cal and super tasty, can be found in shaw's organic aisle), lots of fruit (grapefruit especially). Measuring cups are helpful for portion control! 1 cup of pasta ONLY. I like to make 1 cup of whole wheat rotini with some zucchini, squash, tomato, and onion. Then I sprinkle different spices on it and go to town. ALSO: I've been trying to drink more water, and I discovered a diet soda by Hansen (organic) that has no sugar, no calories, and no caffeine! :) SUN CHIPS are awesome...you can have 16 of them at only 140 calories. Low carb snacks are the best way to go. Granola bars are tricky. I've been trying to limit my intake, because they are high in sugar and carbs.


SO YEAH.

UH.

That's it for now doods.

Go to bed hungry, my little bunnies--

--Beth

all we have are our love and our guts, baby.

3 miles today. :) Making progress. Slow, but good. Beth had us make goals and incentives for personal training, and I think that is going to be helpful. My big goal is this one: 20-25 pounds lost by the end of June. That's going to be the hard one. My others are a little bit easier: run a 5k, 15 perfect push-ups, and use of the T/walking/riding my bike instead of using my car. I think all of these goals will make me proud when achieved.

Went to Total Body Conditioning yesterday...Jonathan kicked my ass! I was so sweaty and gross by the end of it. And today I did the run, which also kicked my ass. But Enrique Iglesias took care of that.

That's my update. Slow and steady wins the race.

Love,

--Beth

nobody said this would be easy, right?

So,

this week was sort of lame. My body fat went down (which is great, by .3), but my weight stayed basically the same. Granted, I only made it to the gym 3 times (4 including personal training today), and I had a couple of oopsies in the food department (bailey's one night, pad thai another).

I'm not giving up.

I've seen way too many people I love give up, and the result is self-pity and weight gain and sadness.

Week 3 of personal training. I'd like to see some pounds gone by week 8 (which is the very last week), and then I want to keep losing until June. I'm doing the pound for pound challenge (which is great). I pledged 30 pounds. Here's the link if you so desire:

http://www.pfpchallenge.com/

It's just been an off week for me. I'm ready for spring break to come, and I've been sort of slacking in a few different departments. I just need to believe that I can do this, not allow myself to be a victim.

Break is just around the corner! March 14th-21st.

Send me some love, ya'll.

--Beth

CHEAT!

Hey dudes,

today I cheated for the first time in probably two weeks. Maybe one and 1/2. The first half of the day was successful, but then I really wanted some wings for dinner. Wings, french fries, and diet coke. Haha...Then I had a kiddie sundae from j.p. licks. I don't feel that guilty, because I've been so good for the last 11 days...with my new knowledge about the way that calories work, it doesn't freak me out. I've been running regularly, gym-ing, etc. Tomorrow I've got personal training. I just hope that if I've lost some, it shows, instead of being hidden underneath my extra calories tonight. :)

In other news, I got my nose pierced! It looks pretty B.A. if I do say so myself.

On a more serious note, sending prayers out to those in Chile and Hawaii...Scary stuff.

Love from my lips,

--Beth

My pants are getting looser!

This week: not as hard as I thought it would be. I've stayed on track with my eating. I started a food log, which has been great and effective...Also still sending my nightly e-mails to mama. By the end of this week I will have had 4 gym visits and one very rainy run at the Bunker Hill soccer field. That's basically the same as what I did last week. Bunker Hill was fun! I think the next time it rains I will attempt to do the same thing. I ran the track 4 times...not sure if that equals a mile or 2 in this field. But it was enough to get my HR up, and I was so soaked, sore, and cold by the end that I figured I deserved to go home and sleep. :) Today I'm going to meet Lindsey at 5 at the gym and get my workout on...then shower and head to Meg Hutchinson. This weekend I'm going to try the Zumba dance class! Also, another personal training session on Sunday.

This week has been crazy tiring, so I let myself sleep in super late this morning...I woke up at 12:45 from a nutty dream. (Don't worry, I won't describe it to you.) Last night I was the feature performer at Transcriptions which was pretty cool! Even though the rain was a little crazy, there were still 20-30 people there, and they were all good listeners. That's what counts. The bar crowds generally drive me crazy. Too much beer + folk music = no good for the performer. It's always really amazing for me to see a group of queer people under a church roof. Last night was particularly special, because it was SLAM and Transcriptions. I met some really awesome folks, and got lots of names on my mailing list. Keep it growing!

In terms of foods, I haven't been tempted to stray (surprisingly)! I try to start my day out with a filling breakfast (granola and yogurt or oatmeal). Then I have a light lunch (salad, a sandwich with carrot sticks, something like one of those). Dinner varies, but it's always healthy. Portion control has been a big part of this, and cutting down on caffeinated beverages (they slow down your metabolism, and mine is already slow enough). Juice boxes are great, because they are small (portion control) and really don't have too much in the way of calories or sugar (depending on the brand). Everything in moderation.

When I think about eating a burger or french fries or chicken fingers, I remember that I have the free will to do that. I can, but I choose not to. Because I always feel better when I eat a healthy alternative! It's just the truth. Once in awhile you just need to cheat, though.

Anyway...

That's my update for ya'll...hopefully on Sunday I'll have some good news about weight loss. If not, no worries. There is always next week. Sometimes my body takes a little time to adjust to new habits and shed those pounds.

Love,

--Beth

Monday...

So this is going to be a rough week, I can feel it. Last week it was so impressive to me that I could make it to the gym five days out of the week, now it just needs to start becoming routine. It's been a build up...From running two weeks ago, to last week, to this one. Also, I finally provided myself with the resources to eat healthy, now I actually need to follow through everyday (instead of eating out when I'm on the go). My point is, I could use your prayers and support this week especially.

Today I plan on leaving for the gym soon. I had a nice cup of yogurt with granola in it for breakfast. Gym, shower, then a quick lunch before I leave for school (2:00 Chorus class). I woke up this morning with the shivers, both because it was freezing in my house and because I had one of those anxiety producing dreams. This one was really strange and symbolic though: my brother and I were on our way to do something important, and I stopped to touch a bird. Why was I touching the bird? Why did the bird let me get close enough to touch it? I don't know. :) It was a beautiful red robin...and then the robin started to peck at me violently. That was pretty terrifying. So my brother ran to get something to use to anesthetize it, and in the process I accidentally consumed some, too. My ears started to slowly lose their hearing (like when you pass out), and I was really panicking. That's when the dream ended and I woke up. ?? STRANGE.

So yesterday I went to personal training with Lindsey. I think it may become a weekly thing. Her trainer (who is also named Beth) lost 35 pounds after college. Now she's basically a gym Goddess. :) She ran a marathon recently (and I know she's run them before that). This gives me hope. Since 35 pounds would be an amazing amount for me to lose, I felt like I could relate to her and not be so bitter about weighing in, or feel embarrassed about my current weight. Anyway, I bet if I stick to my good eating habits, don't eat before bed, and go to the gym everyday this week, I could lose two pounds by Sunday. That is my hope and prayer.

Anyway...I feel like this 180 thing is consuming a lot of my time! I guess that's good, because I'm really starting to be committed to it...

Love love love from my heart to yours,

--Beth

God it's good to be alive.

I'm finally starting to enjoy this healthy living thing. Get ready for how proud you are about to be of me: this week I have gone to the gym four times. Every time I have run at least a mile (usually two) and I think three out of the four times I have joined in a class. I did spin, kickboxing, and yoga. It's been a pretty amazing week. The best part? I've finally started to knuckle down with this eating thing. Yesterday I went grocery shopping. Wanna hear my list? (Well, I don't care if you want to. I'm going to tell you anyway.) Breakfasts: Oatmeal, Yogurt, Granola, Eggs, Turkey Bacon, Wheat bread. All of these are the healthy kinds...Non-Fat Yogurt, Bear Granola, etc. Lunches: Lean lunch meat, Celery Sticks, Baby Carrot Sticks, Lite ranch dressing. Salad Fixings. Lite Salad Dressing. Dinners: Lean Cuisines, Ground Turkey, Scallopini Chicken Breasts, Whole Wheat Pasta, Lite Ragu, Broccoli, etc. I think a big key ingredient in this eating thing is to do it every four hours. And not before bed. Apples with PB are a really great snack when you're craving something sweet. !!

I know that if I continue to do this, I will see some changes. That is encouraging.

Thanks to mom for doing the e-mail food journal with me!

Love to all of you in your own changes,


--Beth

30th post, and finally on to something. I think.

Hey dears,

I went to my first spin class tonight. WOAH. It kicked my butt. I was sweating buckets by the end of that thing. The last two weeks have been great for working out. For those of you who follow facebook, I've been running two miles almost everyday. However, I still can't seem to get my eating in line. So yesterday my mom and I made a pact to start e-mailing each other accountability e-mails. I e-mail her everything I've eaten in a day, and she e-mails me all of the wine she has consumed in a night. :) It's great. We are both going to benefit from this, I think. I have also asked Lindsey to do the cruel and unusual and anytime we are out for a meal (or eating at home), she is supposed to tell me to STAY AWAY FROM THE DESSERTS AND OVERINDULGENCE IN CARBS. Just don't do it. I can tell for a good solid month this is going to be a big chore for me, but I'm ready to finally knuckle down. I've just been skirting around the issue for awhile.

In other news, I found this awesome blog by a friend of mine and her buddies: http://www.drdietcrazy.com/2010_02_01_archive.html. She has already lost thirty pounds on this insane diet/workout routine, and I'm very proud of her for beating the monster that is the biologically female metabolism. Also a little bit jealous. I'll get there. :) It's all very encouraging stuff, and incredibly humorous, too.


So. That is my update for you, friends.

Love,

--Beth

true love--

Hi.

In the spirit of valentine's day, I've been having a lot of thoughts about true love. What is it? Does it only come from one person? Do you have more than one shot at finding your soul mate? What exactly is a soul mate? I feel like we live in a world where true love comes at a small price. After a year of living for those cheap fixes, I really want to change. I can feel the reason I buy each small cure and each meal. I look at the people I admire the most, and the way that they live so simply, and sometimes I feel ashamed. Other times I just think that we all have different ways of approaching this world.

An old friend and I sat down over tea the other night and she told me that she felt like there was so much of me that changed after freshman year of college. She said that she was scared for me, because I've always been a romantic...But some of that dreamy carefree nature was lost due to circumstances and sadness. I think part of this 180 is gaining back my belief in true love. I think part of it is realizing I don't need to sell myself short in order to be happy...In fact, happiness requires just the opposite.

This week I was really proud of myself for running four out of the seven days (maybe even five counting tomorrow)! I ran two miles each time, making a total of eight miles for the week. I sweat like a crazy person, and enjoyed every minute. (Ok, maybe not every minute. There were a few where I wanted to jump off the treadmill and collapse.) I'm planning to run a 5k in April with Lindsey, and I'm really excited for it. 3.5 miles isn't that crazy for me, right?

So my point is: I'm still learning what this love thing is. I'm hoping by the time I've figured it out it will be a full picture, perfect in all the right places...not naive or jaded, but simple and beautiful.

That's all for now.

--Beth

two miles two miles two miles.

Today was refreshing. I made a goal, and I stuck to it even though every fiber of my being was telling me to stay in bed the entire day. I slept until probably noon (because Mondays and Wednesdays are set up for me to do that), and got a phone call from Jess telling me that I should get my butt out of bed and enjoy the day. It was pretty beautiful out, after all. I made myself tomato soup and a sandwich and watched a bit of tv, then showered and rushed my butt out of the house to get on the road for class.

I saw Rose P. at school which was cool, had a little chat with her, grabbed a cup of coffee and went to Chorus. After Chorus I had promised myself I'd go to the gym and run two miles straight, and I did. For the first time in AWHILE I made it to two. I was so proud of myself, and so sweaty, and it was so nice. It made the week behind me disappear. The entire time I was running, I kept thinking "This feels so good, if only I could do this everyday..." I bet I could. It's one of those mind over matter things. I'm going to go day by day though, instead of just saying YES I'M GOING TO DO THAT EVERYDAY. We all know how my over-zealous nature gets in the way sometimes. So tomorrow I'm challenging myself to make it to the gym early and take that run before class. It's going to be a big big challenge. I'll keep it at two miles. That was hard enough. :)

Tomorrow is going to be a bit rough because it's a busy day: class from 9:30-3:15, then a gig in CT. Gotta knuckle down and just do it though. That's what Jess was saying to me: I should motivate myself with something special I can do in the morning, then JUST DO THE HARD STUFF.

I think this running thing is a really great outlet for all that emotional energy I have. It's gotta go somewhere, right? I've got to pour it out.

CATHARTIC RELEASE. ENDORPHINS. GOTTA DO IT.

rant--

I'm sick of the following things (some related to my project, some not):

-going to the mall and trying on clothes only to find that I've grown a size and feeling like shit as a result

-saying I'm going to eat healthy all week long and then making it to Thursday and pigging out on brownies or ice cream and feeling like shit as a result.

-only making it to the gym 2-3 times a week and...(you fill in the blank)

-weighing in and finding that I've gained 2 or 3 pounds instead of losing it like I've set out to do from the beginning

-being an emotional mess because of my own choices

-the gender binary

-people who think just because I have boobs that means I want to shop in the "ladies" section of the store

-not getting my period for a month and a half and then having cramps that feel like earthquakes because of it.

-never having time for the things I really want to do (i.e. music) because of schoolwork/chores

-having two chins (this one is kind of funny I guess)

-worrying about what I'll look like in the future if I keep on going like this

-feeling my pants get tighter and tighter

MAYBE I SHOULD LOOK AT THIS LIST EVERY TIME I WANT TO MAKE A BAD CHOICE FOR MYSELF.

Today was a hard day. I really could use some encouragement and also some self-discipline.

--Beth

I looked up to see integrity finally won over desire.

Hey doods,

this week has been fairly successful so far, especially in the school department. I'm hoping to make the dean's list (never done it before). Last semester was a royal failure (literally), so I want to try and bring my GPA back up and do amazingly well. So far so good. It's only been two days though. :) A good start is important!

In terms of food/work-out routine, here we go: worked out yesterday. Total Body Conditioning class, which was very cool! I may do it again tomorrow. I sweat a lot, and I definitely feel it. Also, I read a bunch of Jillian's book, and learned that I'm a fast oxidizer. This means I should generally try and stay away from carbs (like bread, rice, pasta, etc) and eat tons of protein. Good proteins to eat are chicken (not fried or doused in anything), roast beef, fish (salmon). Not really deli meat. (That surprised me). Also veggies are good. I had pb toast (1 slice) for breakfast both yesterday and today, and that seemed to be a great start to my day! for lunch, something light-ish. Today I had roast beef on wheat, non-fat yogurt (key lime, mmn), and a little tupperware container of soy-crisps. One thing I'm going to have to get used to is not drinking so much caffeine (diet coke will have to be caffeine free). Also, slowly phasing out carbs is going to be interesting. Tonight I'm making Chicken cooked in basil and light olivio, green beans, and rice pilaf. I'm skipping the gym today because I've been crazy all day long. In other news, I'm going to try and up my gym trips to 4 times a week. I will be proud if I do that.

Life is good. I'm feeling good.

<3

Love the love the love love love.

--Beth

The battle of the bulge. :)

Like my title? My dad told me that one. (LMAO.) Exciting news: my dad is starting a blog of his own! He was inspired by the fact that I started one, and so he decided to kick it into gear, too. If you would like to read his, it's located here:

www.sixninetwelvethree.blogspot.com

So that is my shameless plug for him. I'm really proud that he's trying to do something good for himself. It's also encouraging to be doing this not only with Chris, but with my dad. So good.

Anyway. This week I did really well eating healthy. I was eating salads and well rounded meals, and I didn't eat before bed. Then Friday I hit the road for my gigs. I had two this weekend, one in western MA and the other in CT. They both went pretty well, but I was surrounded by friends (which might make me eat less in some circumstances) and stayed out late at diners and such. I even stopped at Wendy's for a meal on my way back up to Boston (erg). The other thing to keep in mind is that I only made it to the gym twice this week. Both were yoga classes, and those aren't as strenuous or sweaty as some of the other things I could have been doing. The point is, I'm going to try try again.

Last night I bought myself a couple of things at target for the upcoming semester. (It starts today! My very first class is at 2.) While I was there I also bought myself an iron gym (hahaha) and Jillian Michael's book entitled "Making the Cut". I was inspired by the dedication: TO THE INNER BADASS LIVING INSIDE US ALL. (hehe.) So I started reading the book last night, and realized that it may not be the book for me. Here's the reason: Ultimately, I may want to lose more than 20 pounds, and this book seems to be mostly for people who are just trying to shed a few and do some toning. But, rather than waste $11, I'm going to keep reading and take what I can from it. She has another book that I may buy tonight at the COOP before work, and it seems to be more my speed. It's entitled "Losing to Gain", and it's for people who are really looking to make a lifestyle change. If I look at that book and I think that maybe I can make due with this one instead, I'll stick it out.

In other news, I switched on the BMI calculator (just to see). They categorized me as obese? I'm not sure if that's the word I'd use to describe myself, so I'm just trying to ignore that. (Hahaha.) I know that I'm overweight, but definitely not obese. Some things are just not meant to be done. I think there are some diet tools that don't promote good. The BMI thing made me sad more than anything. I've realized as I've started this project that weighing myself every week isn't an option. It's too depressing for me. Instead, I will start to weigh myself every other week. I don't know that I'll post about it, because the number is not necessarily something I want public...I'd rather talk about the changes that are eventually getting me to the number.

This is what today looks like: Peanut butter toast for breakfast (1 slice), workout at noon (total body conditioning), shower, class, some kind of healthy snack, salad before work, WORK. It's gonna be great.

Signing out as we all fight the battle of the bulge,

--Beth

self-care

It's been hard the last few days. I won't lie. I play this little game with myself: I tell myself, "Self, it's ok. It's the weekend. Eat whatever you want! Give yourself a break!" But then "ok it's the weekend" turns into "ok it's monday" which turns into "who cares". I am only 21, but what if I wake up when I'm 30 and I've gained 100 pounds over the course of 9 years? These are the things that scare me when I watch "Biggest Loser". A lot of those people were once average weight. Now they're in danger of having a heart attack.

I bought a thing of Breyer's rocky road (which is a huge weakness) and stuck it in my refrigerator and have been chipping away at it since Friday. Those are huge tubs of ice cream! I did not ration it out well. I've been doing well going to the gym, but eating is still a problem.

Morale has also been low over the last couple of days. I've just had this lonely needy feeling eating away at me a little bit, and it sucks. I would like to just ignore it. Maybe that's what I need to do to get back to proactive healthy Beth. Sometimes I slip into sad emo panda Beth without even noticing. I don't ever want that girl to take the driver's seat again. (Realistically, she will. But I don't want her to.)

Here's my plan of attack: this week I will begin to try to focus on two things at once: eating and working out. I've got the working out thing down pretty well. (I really love the classes I've been taking at BSC.) Now I'd like to add some protein/vegetables into the equation and subtract some desserts. I'll try to be realistic about the whole thing and won't over-shoot my goal (fasting completely from any one thing is a bad idea this week).

Tonight I'm working at the School of Music (at Passim). I'm going to get myself a salad at veggie planet and a small side of bread, and hunker down to do some interweb networking. Yay for goals.

Tomorrow I gym it up. Yoga at 4:30 or Tae Kwon Do at 5:30?

<3

All of my hope,

--Beth

woke up this morning and suddenly realized that we're all in this together--

Hey doods,

I am no longer sick. I do not have an excuse to neglect my blogalog anymore. I was really on a roll with the gym, and last week I was so sick that I just couldn't make myself go everyday. I went twice the entire week! Lame. But sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is stay in bed. Most of the time that's not true for me. When I'm sick, it REALLY is.

So things on my to do list for today: go to Goodyear and get my car looked at (it sounds like a tugboat when I drive it), go to the gym, and spend some good quality time at the open mic with Gabriel.

GOALS: no dessert. Minimal carbs.

This all sounds easy enough to manage. I think one thing I've realized doing this 180 is that I often set my goals way too high and let myself down. After the summer, I went on a crash diet (Atkins), and didn't eat ANY carbs for three weeks (I think). I lost a couple of pounds (like TWO), but ultimately it wasn't changing any of my eating habits. I was still relating to food the same way. It's become an effort NOT to relate to it the way I want to; as some sort of cure for pain or loneliness. I'm slowly coming to a place where I want something else to fill that spot. I'm not positive what that one thing is yet, but I do know that it has something to do with all of the healthy things I do in my life: gym, music, reading, time with the people I love, devotionals, mix CDS, listening to a friend in need, Sundays at SLAM, physical affection, etc. Maybe these things put together are some sort of picture of God? I don't know.

Anyway, time to start my day.

Encouragement to all of you on your new year feet! Know that change is hard, slow, but worth it.

<3

Love,

--Beth

SICK!

Dear friends,

sorry I have not been diligent with my posts this week. I am coughing my brains out nearly every morning and night. And a little bit in the middle of the day. It will be over soon, I hope. And then I can get back to being healthy/happy/gym-ee.

Love you all!


--B

and I'm looking for rexroth's daughter, a friend of a friend of mine.

hey doods.

I'm feeling better and better as I've been working out at BSC. I've done a lot of the classes already (pilates, yoga--two kinds, kickboxing) and they've all been awesome. an hour long class is just what I need to get a proper sweat on, and really feel it in the morning. I've tried to go every other day for good measure. I also went to trader joe's and got myself some groceries so I'm not eating out everyday (good for my wallet and my belly). January is shaping up to be a good month.

on Thursday I've got a cool gig in JP with my friend Danielle. I'm excited to be able to devote a bit more time to the things that I really love over the next few weeks. I neglect them when I'm in school, and it's sad.

I saw Cameron and his little one today...Gavin is the most adorable little peanut, and it's amazing to see the two of them together. Cameron is a great dad. we talked about all the things we always talk about and bonded over lattes at diesel. I was sad not to hold Gavin because I'm sick! :( I need to get better ASAP so that I can touch people again.

lame.

anywho.

that's my life right now! I love break.

big heart,

--Beth

happy new year baby, we could probly' fix it if we cleaned it up all day.

This is my reflection post for 2009. It is now over and done with, thank the lord. This post will be done free of any tools such as old journals, pictures, or lifeline phone calls.

I will be listening to Antje while I conduct this reflection. :)

JANUARY:

THE BREAK UP. This was a horrible horrible month. I spent the beginning of it grasping for something to hold on to that wasn't my ex. I ate my pain. While it sucked, it was definitely a necessary month. I cut my hair. Woah! I went from being somewhere in between femme and butch to full on butch. I gained a bit of confidence from this switch. But I also lost a few things? Maybe I lost some of my sweet innocence? I was pretty angry with life. Other things of note: Obama comes into office, I begin my job at Passim, I start going to BAGLY every Wednesday. I spend a few very lonely days in NH with my parents, retreating from who knows what...I listen to a lot of Andrea Gibson and cry into my green NH hoody. Kissed a girl who I would never date seriously.

FEBRUARY:

Campfire with KB, Dami, and Jeff. Talked to We're About 9 after the show, exchanged contact info. That was cool. Opening for Vance Gilbert? I think? Lonely valentine's day...I don't remember specifically what I did, but it was lonely. This month was one of those transitional months. Not too much of interest to note. Thought about dating a girl who wasn't right for me (too much granola). Cooked her dinner, realized I was crazy.

MARCH:

Lauren's birthday. Lots of drunk college students at my house. Too much clean-up. Still, fairly entertaining! My 21st birthday...strange phone calls with Kim, finally we agreed on seeing the girlyman concert together. My birthday was actually pretty fantastic, apart from the fact that it was sad seeing her. This was the month that I really started to get to know Lindsey. On the 28th, she and Matt took me for drinks at midnight after a girlyman show at the Border (their treat). I had two margaritas, and totally felt it. We drove home listening to Pink. I got my tattoo! "Blackbird singing in the dead of night..."

APRIL:

Lots of Lindsey this month. Things started getting warmer, happier. I remember a lot of Anais in my life. "the brightness" was essential. My song for this month was "Out of Pawn". I really started getting into trans stuff...I wrote a ton of papers for directed studies and got A's on all of them. Watched Transamerica with Lindsey, snuggled on the couch.

MAY:

Things started winding down for the semester...I got ready to move out of that God-forsaken 69 Bromfield House (we're still getting calls about bills). Had some roommate squabbles. I finally moved out toward the end of the month, headed for NH in my overstuffed car. I knew I would be back in Boston for a lot of the summer. I wrote a song about people putting all their junk on the curbs. I spent the end of this month collecting myself after the semester.

JUNE:

Lots of wandering! I drove a lot of places, some of them very strange and random. I slept on a ton of couches. Forever indebted to people who gave me a place to stay: Leif, Tim and Alice, Jeff, Lindsey, my parents, JessJasonEllen, Tom, Grandma. I was really just kickstarting the summer in this month, though. I did a lot of sleeping in and commuting to Boston to work, staying up late thinking about things that I didn't need to think about. I had a relapse with the ex, thought better of it.

JULY:

Not much to say about this month...NH to Boston a lot. Lots of Lindsey time. Concerts up the wazoo. Ferrick and Curtis in Lowell? I think? Or was that August? I'm not sure. Either way, that was a really good time. I played a few little gigs here and there.

AUGUST:

Major things of note: I adopted a puppy. Oh dear. This was pre-move in, or while I was moving in. It was a bad decision, but luckily I found her a good home when I decided to give her up. It was kind of like giving up a child. A little bit. She would have been stuck in a room all day long, and that would be mean. I am just too busy for a dog right now! Other things: getting ready for the semester to start, dog watching at Tim and Alice's, spending time with Lauren...Opening for Meg? I think? I don't remember. Either way, that's in here somewhere. Pretty awesome night. She fed me whiskey, and I got to sing with her on "Home"! She's the sweetest of sweethearts.

SEPTEMBER:

School starts. I spent a lot of time goofing off, not enough time doing actual work, and it showed in my grades. I met a brown eyed/long haired girl who roped me in, and then realized it would never work (thank God). Went to the beach with Dija a lot, drove to Lynn and Medford a lot. Skipped a LOT of classes. :)

OCTOBER:

Things are solid with Lindsey (finally). No more on again off again. I was very poor this month...really in September, too. I had lots of tickets to pay and debts to take care of and no money to do it. Eventually fixed that, though. Halloween was pretty cool (it usually is). Went to VBC for a gig, came back home and watched Buffy with Linds and stuffed our faces full of halloween candy. Good month.

NOVEMBER:

Still pretty poor. Getting close to not being poor. :) Lindsey's birthday. Anais. Realizing how screwed I was in terms of my grades...Starting to try and get to the gym again. This was one of those slightly crappy reflective months.

DECEMBER:

I resolve to try and lose weight (slowly but surely). Chris inspired me, and I'm still trying. I join the gym (BSC) due to a generous Christmas gift. Lots of shows at Passim. Semester wraps up (thank God), and Christmas happens...Lori Mckenna makes me cry (as per usual), and I'm starting to look forward to 2010, ready for it to kick in and pick me up off of my crazy self. I start to do devotionals again, maybe think about what God could mean in all of this.

This brings us up to date.

WOAH. What a year.

Love to you and yours,

--Beth