the soul is made of such a thread--no matter how it tears it always tries to mend.

thought provoking day.

I woke up early to go to weight watchers. they've begun a new plan called the "points plus" plan. basically it comes down to adding a point or two more for carb heavy meals, not counting fruits and vegetables, and piling on some more points for every weight watchers member. I think it's a step in the right direction. I really needed something new, so I'm happy about it. I think it will help me to keep on burning those calories and stay optimistic.

I went over to gold's gym and checked the scene out. it looks good...cheap for a year, classes, and nice people. nobody was trying to talk me into bringing a friend or paying more money.

after that I stayed in bed and bummed around a little bit more. typical sunday morning things--laundry, dishes, etc.

then I met a friend in harvard square for some tea. this was when I began to feel strange. lately the stress has just been piling on...graduating, finding a full-time job, moving into a new place, getting by every month on the money I have, and let's not forget family holidays. in any case, what I normally do when I'm stressed is eat. I've been turning to that the last couple of weeks, and I gotta say, it's not really helping. today I decided to have some candy and call it quits after that, but more recently it's been chicken wings, french fries, burgers, chocolate (and all in the same day sometimes). I hate myself even more for it after all is said and done, and it increases my stress level. so this week I'm going to try the new plan. I'm not going to eat any junk, and I'm going to keep my sugar level low. hopefully this will make my stress even more manageable. there's a light at the end of the tunnel; only two weeks or so left of class.

tonight I went to bertucci's for salad with lindsey. we had some good conversation and met some cool people in the square. it made me remember that I should keep my eyes open to strangers. selfishness is over-rated. this week/month I'm going to try something new: the next time I want to go out and eat a huge meal that my stomach can't afford, I'm going to buy something healthy for someone who needs it more. typically I overeat when I'm worried about someone else who I love (or myself), and this could be a way of taking care of someone in a tangible sense and taking care of myself by refusing to eat the pain.

right now I'm listening to the tracks I have so far for the new record. I'm really seeing a story starting to form with all of these songs. I love it when a theme develops in a new project without my effort. it's like all of these songs just fit together in a weird sort of coincidental way. this record is going to be different and I can't wait to actually record it and put it out. just need about $3000. I already have $1000 raised.

well...that's about it for tonight! here's to a good monday.

be good to yourselves so that you can be good to those you love,

--Beth

lucky and thankful and lucky.

I'm sitting on my girlfriend's bed. It's November 24th, day before thanksgiving, and I signed into my blog and realized that it truly has been a year or so since I started this project. While I would have liked to have lost more, I have lost 17 glorious pounds. That, I am proud of. I have made so many life changes since I started this blog (not just my eating habits): I am a regular runner. I have started to pray again. I signed up for a half marathon in February. I am writing songs again. I have learned to have boundaries. I have learned that even when I love someone so hard that my heart wants to burst, even then, I can step back and drink a cup of tea and have a good night's sleep. I wear skinny jeans now. I have a steady job. I don't call in sick unless I am dying (though my supervisor is being wonderful and allowing me the day off on friday, even though I wasn't supposed to have it off). I'm in a healthy and dedicated relationship that does not revolve around some sort of conflict, secret, or sadness. I'm moving in with her in January! I'm graduating! All of this good good change, sometimes overwhelming, but mostly good.

It's been a stressful couple of weeks...talking to professors, family/holidays, work, graduating, etc. But I signed on tonight to remind myself of all of the sweet change I have been making, and the changes that I will continue to make. After all, what is life without change? It's a constant, and I never thought I'd learn to say this--but it's a constant that I welcome thankfully.

Last thanksgiving I was 17 pounds heavier and it showed. Not just on my body, but in my soul.

I used to livejournal about all of the different things in my life that I was thankful for (oh to be 16). :) I am going to revisit tradition:

What it looks like to be thankful as a 22 year old Beth:

1. Thankful for the freedom to express myself and identify as a unique person. Thankful that I'm not so scared anymore.

2. Thankful for biological family, regardless of differences.

3. Thankful for best friends, friends that I've had since I was 16 and livejournal-ing. People who have stuck by me through ramen noodles Freshman year, bad break-ups, depression, weight-gain, changing majors three times, and so much more. So thankful.

4. Thankful for the family that I created for myself when I moved out to Boston. Ani said it right...we make our own families.

5. Thankful for the memories I've made with those who have passed in and out of my life. I will always have a tape recorder in my brain repeating the happy parts.

6. Thankful for the love of my life--someone who sticks by when we're laughing and when it don't come easy. She is the sweetest of sweet, and I'm so lucky. I am.

7. Thankful for singing.

8. Thankful for all of the resources God seemed to throw into my lap. Food, a roof over my head, people to love me. Not everyone gets those things.

9. Thankful for second chances with people I thought were lost and gone.

10. Thankful for the community I am surrounded by on a daily basis in this beautiful city. It's so great to be here (even though I do forget it sometimes).


Here to remind myself that I am so lucky. We are lucky, and we shouldn't forget it. Not ever.


Be good to yourselves so that you can be good to others, and happy thanksgiving

--Beth