hey friends,
last week was a tough week. I've been struggling with some depression/anxiety, and to be honest it can't possibly be situational, because most everything in my life right now is pretty dandy. so I'm nipping it in the bud and going to see my therapist and psychiatrist next week. part of it is related to my time of the month, but the rest is unexplainable. at least right now. :)
Lindsey. Lindsey is the best part of my day. I love waking up to her, going bike shopping with her, sharing meals with her, sharing struggles with her, and laughing with her. I love her smile. I get warm and fuzzy every time that I see it. I am so thankful that God put her in my life and I'm more sure everyday that she's a permanent fixture. I've never felt so safe or loved in my entire 23 years.
and, btw, I am now 23! wow.
here is what I'm going to buy myself for my birthday:
http://www.trekbikes.com/us/en/bikes/mountain_hardtail/820/820/
isn't it beautiful? I want to start biking to work as much as possible.
I spent a lovely and peaceful time with my mom on the cape last weekend in celebration of my birthday and hers. we played quirkle (my favorite board game), ate a delicious dinner, had martinis, walked the beach, drove the cape, and went antique shopping. I found a delightful little clock-radio by general electric from the 60's. it's adorable and I plan on plugging it in on my porch to listen to on rainy days in the summer and spring. I'm grateful those seasons are fast approaching.
thank God for you, friends.
--Beth
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
self-compassion
a friend of mine posted this on facebook, and it got me thinking:
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/02/28/go-easy-on-yourself-a-new-wave-of-research-urges/?src=me&ref=homepage
the article is all about self-compassion and how it does wonders for the soul. I am known for being hard on myself; it's something I've done professionally since I was Will's age. (funnily enough, he's the same way. I see so much of myself in these kids. I bet that's not a coincidence.) I've always had one thing or another that I've actively hated about myself, which is strange because I'm constantly being told by the people that I love that I'm wonderful. this article emphasized the point that people who are compassionate and understanding towards others tend to have a hard time doing the same thing for themselves...for the last two weeks, I've had to turn up the compassion, and I think that may be one of the reasons I've spent so much time beating myself up and feeling guilty. every time that I reach for a small piece of chocolate or log it in my fatsecret account, I'm feeling shame--shame that I shouldn't feel for a measly piece of chocolate. every time that I do something just a little bit wrong at work, I turn it over and over in my head, inspecting how I could do it right the next time and yelling at myself for doing it wrong this time. it just makes dieting and healthy living that much more of a burden. it just makes being me so much harder.
the thing is, I'd love to just let it go. easier said than done. here I am beating myself up for being myself up! it's hilarious. I just ran a half marathon, and all I can think about is how I'm not going to meet my weight goal on friday when I go to personal training. I just started an awesome new job a month ago and all that I can think about is when they're going to fire me for being inadequate, when I haven't done anything to provoke that.
my point is: I'm a loved, beautiful, artistic young person. I just ran 13 miles. I have a great job working with little ones that I love more than a lot of the people around me, and I just met them. I have hope in a future of playing music (in one context or another) with amazing people who support me. I have a phenomenal girlfriend who kisses me at the end of every day. I am surrounded by a God that reminds me of all of this love at every turn, regardless of how hard I try to forget about it.
we shouldn't forget it. we are all so loved, so valuable. I am loved and valuable.
with as much compassion as I can muster,
--Beth
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/02/28/go-easy-on-yourself-a-new-wave-of-research-urges/?src=me&ref=homepage
the article is all about self-compassion and how it does wonders for the soul. I am known for being hard on myself; it's something I've done professionally since I was Will's age. (funnily enough, he's the same way. I see so much of myself in these kids. I bet that's not a coincidence.) I've always had one thing or another that I've actively hated about myself, which is strange because I'm constantly being told by the people that I love that I'm wonderful. this article emphasized the point that people who are compassionate and understanding towards others tend to have a hard time doing the same thing for themselves...for the last two weeks, I've had to turn up the compassion, and I think that may be one of the reasons I've spent so much time beating myself up and feeling guilty. every time that I reach for a small piece of chocolate or log it in my fatsecret account, I'm feeling shame--shame that I shouldn't feel for a measly piece of chocolate. every time that I do something just a little bit wrong at work, I turn it over and over in my head, inspecting how I could do it right the next time and yelling at myself for doing it wrong this time. it just makes dieting and healthy living that much more of a burden. it just makes being me so much harder.
the thing is, I'd love to just let it go. easier said than done. here I am beating myself up for being myself up! it's hilarious. I just ran a half marathon, and all I can think about is how I'm not going to meet my weight goal on friday when I go to personal training. I just started an awesome new job a month ago and all that I can think about is when they're going to fire me for being inadequate, when I haven't done anything to provoke that.
my point is: I'm a loved, beautiful, artistic young person. I just ran 13 miles. I have a great job working with little ones that I love more than a lot of the people around me, and I just met them. I have hope in a future of playing music (in one context or another) with amazing people who support me. I have a phenomenal girlfriend who kisses me at the end of every day. I am surrounded by a God that reminds me of all of this love at every turn, regardless of how hard I try to forget about it.
we shouldn't forget it. we are all so loved, so valuable. I am loved and valuable.
with as much compassion as I can muster,
--Beth
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