stones taught me to fly--

Good afternoon, readers.

Today has been a strange day. Last night I went to this AMAZING musical extravaganza that happens occasionally at the Lizard Lounge (Sub Rosa), and was up until about 1:30...had a couple of drinks, so when I got home I was a little loopy. Woke up this morning to some strange dreams that did not make me feel warm and fuzzy inside in the least bit. I've been having those graphic dreams that I had this summer all over again, and it kind of sucks. Kind of beyond my control. This girl who played last night was talking about "lucid dreaming": the experience of being able to control dreams. She said if you hold your hand up in front of your face before you sleep and say "the next time I am seeing this hand, I will be dreaming", you can control what happens in your dreams. Maybe I should try that.

Anyway, I lazed around a bit. I got a strange phone call around 2 that made my brain hurt.

My cure for all of this instead of eating: go to the gym. Work it out. Shower, play some music, hang with Lindsey.

It's going to be alright.

I got the membership to BSC! I went yesterday (pilates), and my abs are in utter pain and agony today. Tonight I plan on kickboxing. They have SHOWERS at my gym! The showers have shampoo/conditioner/soap in them, and there is totally a sauna. I kind of can't handle it. Michael might have made fun of me for paying an arm and a leg, but it's worth it. Between classes, saunas, showers, and normal gym related things I am all set.

Tomorrow is new year's eve. I can't wait. :)

Love,

--Beth

you can't go back now-

Hey friends,

I'm just listening to my tub drain (waiting so that I can clean it), and I thought I'd blogalog for the day in the meantime. So. Since Christmas ended, I've been trying to be a bit healthier (minimal dessert, smaller portions, etc). It's been going well. I'm signing up for BSC, probably tonight...if not tonight, then tomorrow afternoon. It's going to be so nice to have this month off to revive my little heart. :) I'm pretty much all registered for classes...it will be a lighter semester, bring up my GPA again, hopefully. This semester did a number on my 3.0, which I was pretty proud of considering college has not been easy on me (in terms of personal life).

The new year is on it's way. Sometimes I feel like I really need that fresh start, other years I'm sad that the year behind me is coming to an end...this time it's the former! While it hasn't been a TERRIBLE year, it hasn't been my favorite. Rough break up, weight gain, friends moving away, moving a LOT...I always do an overview of the year on journal, so you'll get that soon! Probably on new year's day.

Alright. I think the tub is done. I'm off to have a day!

<3

Love from the bottom of my heart,

--Beth

excitement for the new year...

so. mom and dad got me membership to any class/gym I would like for christmas. :) (at least for a month to get me started...) I think I'm going to stick with BSC, because I had such a great experience the other night. I'm still sore from it, which is a good sign. Since I've got basically the whole of January off, that will give me time to go on a regular basis and get a head start for when classes kick off. I'm going to focus on two things over this break: playing music and going to the gym.

Other awesome things I got towards healthy living for Christmas: I treated myself to a new pair of running shorts from gap (sale! $10), odwalla bars in my stocking (instead of chocolate hehe), and a subway gift card.

Life is really great. I'm so blessed.

In other news, Christmas mass at my dad's church last night was pretty cool. We sang a lot of carols...and I read a passage from Luke (awkwardly). I totally almost laughed when Mary says "But how can this be true? I am a virgin." Good thing I didn't. :) Mostly it's been a sweet, light-hearted Christmas.

Mom's new pup is soooo adorable! His name is Hoover, and he's a little wiener dog.

I have Anne Heaton's "As You Are" in my head. "I'll see you as you are this Christmas, I'll see you as you are right now...I'll see you as you are this Christmas when I come home to town." :)

We leave at 2-ish for Grandma's house. More gifting and food. Maybe a viewing of "It's A Wonderful Life" tonight? I hope?

<3

Love and peace in my heart,

--Beth

peace on earth, goodwill to men.

I went to the gym today! I did two hour long classes with Lindsey (kickboxing and yoga). It was wonderful. I am exhausted.

Favorite Christmas hymn:

I heard the bells on Christmas day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along th’ unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

Till ringing, singing on its way
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair I bowed my head:
“There is no peace on earth,” I said,
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.”

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor does He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men.”

--Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I probably won't write again until after Christmas...so if you are celebrating, then Merry Christmas to you!

<3

LOVE.

--Beth

do you want to know if everything glittering turns into the gold?

DAY 14:

today has been nice. I've been fairly good: subway whole wheat sandwich for lunch, baked lays, and diet soda...then a snack of cinnamon toast this afternoon (on whole wheat).

ALSO! I put a downpayment on this little guy this afternoon:

http://www.taylorguitars.com/Guitars/Baby-Taylor/BT2/

I'm super excited to pick him up after Christmas, just in time for my January gigs. I've been shopping for straps, pick-ups...so excited.

tonight I'm going to a Christmas party...and then probably just chillin for a bit and getting some sleep. I can't believe Christmas is less than a week away. It's going to be great.

Love,

--Beth

oh dear.

DAY 15:

So. How do I feel about this week? Well, I lied about taking it more seriously...we might as well call this "Beth's Gain 10 Pounds and Pull Out Her Hair From Stress During Finals While the Whole World Watches Project". :)

Maybe I need to do more, talk less? Anyway, I'm not even going to weigh in this week because I know what the scale will say, and it will make me sad. But--I'm not giving up. I'm hoping I can chalk up my non-committal attitude to the fact that school has been so awful...I've just been back and forth, back and forth. Work out three days in a row, and then go on an eating binge. This morning I did the most awful thing: I WENT TO IHOP. There, I said it. I finished my second final and went to IHOP and stuffed my face.

Gotta get through this, gotta power through until I commit.

Sorry folks. I feel like a disappointment.

<3

--Beth

take my world apart...

DAY 13?

I think. I'll have to check up on that next time I blog. Anyway, a few things I've been realizing:

1. If there is one thing I've become aware of in making this change, it's WHEN I have my cravings. They're usually associated with an anxious setting, or a stressful time.

2. I need to not beat myself up. I have until June to achieve a perfectly achievable goal. It's Christmas-time. I need to remember that my life does not revolve around whether I lose weight at the end of every week...More like whether I make an effort.

3. I am a lucky girl.

4. I want more than anything to gain back the good intentions I once had...the soul inside that used to try harder.

Yesterday I had dinner with a sad homeless stranger in harvard square. She made me recognize that I DO believe in God. I believe that God takes care of us...even when it seems as if we are the ones doing the taking care of. Sometimes that care takes on a strange form.

Thank God for Betty.

So, readers, I'm asking all of you: what has this season taught you about who you are or who you want to be?

<3

--Beth

confession:

this is SO hard. I've cheated already. the hardest part is not eating before bed. I always crave popsicles, carbs, and sweet things right before sleep.

this is SO hard.

dust yourself off and try again?

DAY ELEVEN:

Since I haven't been losing any weight yet, I'm planning on taking this thing a bit more seriously starting today. This week will be a bit easier, since I don't have the stress of class to encourage me to cheat (handfuls of chocolate chips, over-eating carbs). Just finals! Then this whole horrific semester will be over. So here's the plan: narrow down the carbs a bit more, NO dessert whatsoever (except maybe a fruit bar here and there), and try not to drink any sugary beverages with meals (juice). I think my goal of working out seven days a week was an over-shot, so I'll stick to 3-4. I've been doing that. It's attainable if I include the healthy eating. I've been feeling good since I started doing this, but I want to feel even better! I know that I will if I hunker down (and maybe even lose some lbs).

It's gonna be great.

<3

So so much love,

--Beth

I ain't leavin' and I ain't givin' in...

DAY 13:

So. the big weigh in was exactly what I expected it to be. I haven't gained or lost anything. This is generally true of the first week or two of any diet that I start...nothing changes. Why is this? Probably because I'm still learning how to be faithful to the diet...I've cheated in little ways a couple of times, and the work out isn't as vigorous as it should be. BUT. The important thing is that I have been working out, eating (mostly) healthy, and I'm working towards a big change. I don't want to get down on myself, because chances are I'll just give up if I do.

In other news: I went to a UU church with Linds this morning. It was just an experiment...I haven't been since the Kim days (she is an avid UU-er). It was nice, but mostly it just felt forced. I was talking with Lindsey about how some places drive me crazy because they are so PC, others drive me crazy because they aren't at all. What do I prefer? Male pronouns, or no titles at all? I don't know.

Things that I need to get off my chest: I'm sick and tired of this semester. Really, I'm sick of school in general. I keep telling myself two more semesters, but all that I want to be doing is playing music. It's hard to study things that I'm not even interested in, especially when I know just a bachelor's degree in Psych isn't really going to get me anywhere. I just. Want. To. Play. alksjdf;lkaj;slkdjfasdf.

I'm sure you're all sensing a lot of frustration in this post...That's not an accident. Consider me frustrated. I'm a bit over this whole thing.

All the love I can muster at this current moment in time,

--Beth

I'm your only ticket tonight.

DAY TEN:

Huh. Day ten. It feels longer than that. I feel like I've been making a log in my head of all of the different things I've been eating and remembering them like crazy. I guess that I have! Right here. My friend Andy made a point: I've just had a long laundry list on this blog of all of the things my day has consisted of...and that's been helpful because it really makes me realize what I'm putting into my body and doing to my body. But I want to talk more about other things, too. Some more of the why I'm doing and putting things into my body.

Today I was doing fine (emotionally) until about two hours ago...I just crashed. I don't know if that's because I need sleep...or if there is some other explanation for it. Either way, I do this once in awhile. I just feel like there is no love in the world, or if there is it's really hard for me to see. Usually this feeling goes away by the morning, but in the few hours that I feel that way, things suck. I've thought about medicating, but right now that just seems like one more secret "cure" for the pain I have. I don't know how many more I can add to my list. (Don't get me wrong, I seriously understand the need for antidepressants and other similar drugs, I just don't know if it's right for me now.) Anyway, as soon as I started having these thoughts, I wanted to order a brownie sundae. Coincidence? I don't think so. There are other secret cures, but right now my top two are food and sex. I'd really like for this to change, but I'm not sure how to approach the change. I know the healthy alternatives...playing my guitar, calling a friend and getting some coffee, going for a run, laughing to my favorite TV show. But it's so easy to revert to those top two. It's so comfortable.

Anyhow, I didn't order that brownie sundae. I don't plan on it. Non-fat chai in hand, I sat down in the soundbooth and thought to myself: why do I feel like this? Why? What was it (or who) that created these habits? I'm not sure there is a specific answer to that question. I think it's been a painful few years for me. College hasn't been easy. It's only started to be fun in the last year...and I'm so grateful for that. Especially freshman year I spent a lot of hard nights alone in my room feeling that "there is no love in the world" feeling.

I guess maybe I just need an explicit reminder sometimes that there IS love. I just go looking for it in the wrong places.

Please God, help me to change the things that I can.

--Beth

I do it for the joy it brings, cause I'm a joyful girl...because the world owes me nothing--we owe each other the world.

DAY NINE:

I have found a miraculous dessert replacement: Edy's Fruit Bars. There are a gazillion different variety, and as long as you stick to one or two a day, you're golden! I got myself a box of the creamsicle versions, and they are delicious. And I don't feel like I ate a cow after I consume one. :) Fannnntastic.

Today: worked out, went to class, ate healthy. I feel good. yes I do. I even had myself a quiet time...There is a stairwell on the second floor of McCormack that is completely silent. It overlooks the harbor, and with the rain falling down so hard today it was so peaceful.

Tonight I'm working at the School of Music, and writing a ten page paper that's due on Friday. Then I'll probably stop into the club because Jason Myles Goss is playing tonight! Yayyy...Love him. Anyway. I think that concludes my blogalog for the day.

<3

Love love love,

--Beth

I know the cost of a losing hand, but for the grace of God...

DAY EIGHT:

Today after exams, I got stressed out and ate some chocolate chips. I just couldn't help myself! I think the key is moderation. Chris was saying, as long as it's not a huge helping of dessert (or a disgustingly fattening one), you're ok. So I'm forgiving myself. I'm letting it go, and moving on. That's the key. No beating yourself up, just keep on trying.

Yesterday was quite successful. I worked out...Some treadmill, weights, crunches, stretching...it was good. Eating: breakfast was special K raisin bran, lunch was a whole wheat sandwich I packed myself with chicken and one slice of cheese, carrot sticks, apple sauce, diet coke, and a bit of goldfish. Dinner I had with Lindsey: we made delicious burgers on the George Foreman grill! So good. We packed them with onions, and had steamed broccoli on the side. 93 percent lean meat! :) Eating healthy feels so good. The other stuff, not so much. That's what I've come to realize...I always feel better when I eat something like dinner last night than when I eat chicken fingers and fries with a coke. All that fried just stays on your mind...and your hips.

I think I've come up with a plan for when school lets out. Lindsey's gym is doing sale prices...two weeks for $20, which is not so bad. And it's right in Davis. They have punching bags, and cardio kick-boxing classes (right up my alley). I could also go to the gym with her, which would be totally motivating. I could use a gym buddy. That way if she goes and I don't, I'll feel like a lazy ass! :) Also, I may sign up for a few yoga classes at the place down the road from me...02 yoga. My roommate says that it's great.

I haven't been keeping up with quiet time yet. A big part of me feels like I really want to do that. Advent seems like such a time of reflection for me. For some reason driving around in all this snow makes me think about the year behind me. Sometimes I get warm fuzzy feelings, other times I end up a little bit sad. Either way, I think I need to set aside some time to do my reflecting. And maybe some praying too? Important.

Well...that concludes my make-up post.

Over and out.

--Beth

maybe one day along the way you'll remember me...smilin at you how I used to. maybe one day, you'll remember.

DAY FIVE:

Hey all.

today I officially weighed myself. Now mind you: every scale says something different. How do I cure this? I don't think there is a cure. Scales are imperfect. So I'm just going to stick with one, and that will accurately show my weight loss. I was wrong before, I'm not 180. I'm 187 ish (According to my scale at home). I still want to get down to 160. For someone my height, a good weight would probably be about 150, but I want to be realistic and make a goal I can attain. Anyway, that's just seven extra pounds I'm going to have to account for. From now on, I'll weigh in every week...just like Chris. It's gonna be great. Hahahaha...I'm sure some weeks it won't be great. But I'm remaining optimistic. Anyhow, today was a success. I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast...not the best, but it's the weekend. Then for lunch I had a hummus wrap from diesel, a bottled water, and a non-fat latte with one sweet n' low. Dinner was awesome because Tim and Alice made it...mexican lasagna healthy style. Saturday is my "day off". This means I don't have to watch my carbs as much, and I can have desserts (within reason). This doesn't mean I stuff my face, it just means I don't have to be super careful.

After this weekend, I will do my very best to work out everyday. I'm still thinking about back-up plans for when school lets out and I have no gym. I want to join a class...yoga or boxing, and then run on a regular basis (hopefully there won't be this much snow all the time).

In other news, I watched the biggest loser last night with Lindsey. I kept complaining to her about how much I hate the show, and then I sat through a whole episode. It's actually pretty awesome/inspiring. At the end of the season, they had everyone run a full marathon. I can only run a full mile straight as it is, so seeing people who are 250 plus pounds running 26.5 miles was RI-DIC-U-LOUS. :) Yay on them. I'm hoping by the end of this I can run half that. Maybe.

Anywho.

When I was at Tim and Alice's tonight we talked a lot about church and God and spirituality...and my brother asked me to pray for dinner. I said "Dear God, thank you for this food. Amen." And we all started laughing. It's been that long since I've prayed with people. I couldn't think of a damn thing to say. I mean, praying in general has been a struggle throughout college. I think that's partly because when I came out, people told me this: you have to choose God or your sexuality. I started to believe it because I heard it so many times. When someone tells you something over and over and over again, you start to think that it's true. I miss that closeness I used to have with God, and I feel like everyone took it away from me. Even when I had a Christian community living right down the street from me in East Somerville I had it to some extent. Now that I don't have that community, I feel a bit lost in terms of speaking to the God I've known since I was five. Do I even know that God anymore? How do I talk to that God? What pronouns do I use? Too many questions.

Maybe you guys can help me answer some of them.

I know that this weight loss thing relates to the prayer thing...I'm not sure quite how yet.

<3

yours yours yours,

--Beth

time takes time takes time...

DAY 4:

SO.  I totally skipped yesterday.  This week has not been as productive as I would have liked it to be, though I'm proud of myself for eating healthy foods all week.  I just haven't been working out.  I worked out once this week.  ONCE.  That's less than I was working out last week (three times), and my goal is to work out everyday during the week.  Maybe I'll have to narrow this down to five days a week...I'm thinking it might just not be realistic.  It's just been such a stressful insane week with exams and papers that I couldn't drag myself to the gym.  I've been either in tears or asleep when I haven't been studying.  :(  

I have stayed off sweets, and have been eating all healthy carbs.  My portion control has been pretty good.  I've made sure to eat some veggies everyday.  Beverages:  all diet sodas, half glasses of juice, and water.  I have tried not to eat before bed, but when I do, I make it something healthy (celery sticks, peanut butter, etc).  Today I plan on (actually) going grocery shopping, and setting up my pull-up bar at the house.  

Other things of note:  I was a bad student this week, but next week I will go to all classes.  Only two (ish) more weeks of classes, and then I can kiss this semester goodbye.  I still haven't incorporated devotional/quiet time into my schedule yet, but I'll try and work a little bit on that next week.

In other news, does anyone know what the difference between treadmill running and outdoor running is?  I hear that treadmill running is cheating.  Is that true?  ALSO:  does anyone know of a good thai boxing or karate class in the area?  I'm thinking about trying to start a class over break...possibly the thai boxing class in Dorchester.  

I'm proud of Chris for losing his 4 pounds this week!  Congrats on the weigh in, buddy.  Maybe I will do one on Sunday and see if anything has changed yet.  

I'm trying trying trying to stay positive.  Slow change is ok.  Kat was right; I am too hard on myself sometimes, and try to change too quickly.  It'll be ok.

<3

from the bottom of my heart,

--Beth

our fire never burns out though sometimes our bodies do...

DAY THREE:

Friends,

I'm writing to tell you that today will be just the tiniest hiatus in my 180. I will still eat healthily, though I know I don't have time to workout. I've got two exams today and then I leave right from school for work. So that is that!

I'll be with you again tomorrow. :)

Faithfully,

--Beth

you might get lucky some days, not a drop of rain.

DAY TWO:

Confession:

this is harder than it looks. I'm realizing just how much I've eaten my pain over the last few months. I think I've realized this every time I've started a diet and then stopped, but this time I really want it to stick. It's difficult to take advice from people, especially from those that I love the most. That's one thing I've realized; when you're trying to make a change and your dearhearts want to help by giving you the input you need, sometimes it's harder to take than you (or they) would think. I won't give specific examples. :)

Last night I went to Shaw's and bought a couple of snackish things...it was 11:15 when I got out of work, so I didn't quite have the energy to go shopping. I got two lunchables (I know, not the best, but I thought I'd be on the go today), some celery sticks, whole wheat goldfish (a handful every once in awhile), and special K bars for the morning. Today I'll go to the grocery store and actually go shopping...You'll get an update about my grocery quest tomorrow.

I overslept this morning (totally wasn't planning to). I had kind of a rough night last night. I woke up at 7:45 and realized that I had forgotten to do my English homework when I got home from Passim last night, so I decided to skip class. I have two exams tomorrow. I need the study time anyway.

Maybe sleeping in wasn't a mistake at all? Fred Phelps and his gang of fag-hating bullies were showing up at my school this morning for a protest. It's World Aids Day, and apparently they want to make sure that the gays at UMASS feel extra hated. (His website is truly heinous, by the way. Google "God Hates Fags", preferably when you're in a good mood.) Something about Phelps tugs at me in a not so good way that nobody else can...I think it's the Jesus thing.

I'd appreciate your prayers (especially today). Any support you can give (even if it's just a sweet facebook message) is welcomed wholeheartedly.

All the love in this little bursting-at-the-seams heart,

--Beth

keep us far from our vices and deliver us from these prisons...

DAY 1:

Hi.

Good morning.

I'm sitting unusually high up in a chair in the computer lab at UMASS. This morning I woke up, showered, drove to school, and had some extra time. Instead of my usual sausage egg and cheese from dunkie's, I found myself an odwalla bar and a bottled water. I haven't grocery shopped yet, so I had to buy food...I think that's going to be the biggest struggle; I eat out a LOT. Like way more than someone with a limited budget should. I think this is a habit that I learned from my parents...still, I know it's my responsibility to change it. I told myself that after today, I'm going to get myself to Trader Joe's and buy some nutritious food. The problem with eating out is that A. it's super expensive and B. it's usually not that healthy, even when it poses as healthy. :)

I'm going to work out in between classes (a mile on the treadmill, weights, crunches). I plan to eat a healthy lunch (a whole wheat sandwich from the caf), and maybe a salad for dinner. Hopefully somewhere in my busy schedule I can find time to get to Trader Joe's. I may have to settle for Shaw's.

In other news, does anyone know of a good church body that I could get myself involved in? I miss it. I'm looking for good music and friendly people (who won't tell me I'm going to burn in hell for being gay). Preferably episcopal? I'm open, though.

Love and so much peace,

--Beth

For all we could and should be being in the one life that we've got...

Friends,

I was recently doing my annual facebook stalkathon for the day when I came across a friend's blog with a compelling title: "The 180 Project"...This is what he wrote:

"I figured if I'm going to go on a diet, I might as well announce it and set myself a goal to keep myself accountable. In the past, I've been reluctant to tell anyone I was going on a diet because if I failed, then no one would know. Well, the secret is out. I currently weigh 240lbs. I see my ideal weight as 180lbs. I want to lose this by the beginning of the summer of 2010. With your help and support I believe I can. This will be a challenge as I attempt to balance life, school, work, and a possible Africa visit. Yet, this is what staying healthy should be, a totally integration into your normal life busy or not. In addition to my losing the weight, I want to put my money where my mouth is and run a half marathon at the end of June of 2010."

I can't say it better. I've been circling the runway for change for the last few months, and I just can't seem to stick with it. I think that accountability helps. As much as I would like to believe that I don't need any help from my friends, it's just not true! I'd like to set some goals for myself. One of them will be a weight goal. The others I will slowly start to build. I know that one thing I'd like to do is get into the habit of writing in my journal daily/reading a little bit of my Bible (quiet time has always helped ease any excess anxiety). I'd love it if you would follow along on this journey and help me to do the same thing that my smarty-pants friend is doing...make my own 180, if you will.

My current weight: 180 pounds. Ideal weight: 160. I'd like to do the same thing that my friend is doing and finish around the end of May or the beginning of June...If I happen to finish earlier, than that's great! :)

My mom always says that gradual change lasts, speedy change not so much.

I appreciate your prayers/good vibes/love when it comes to all of this change I'm trying to make for myself. Any support you can give is great. You'll be hearing from me everyday.

Love,

--Beth