maybe one day along the way you'll remember me...smilin at you how I used to. maybe one day, you'll remember.

DAY FIVE:

Hey all.

today I officially weighed myself. Now mind you: every scale says something different. How do I cure this? I don't think there is a cure. Scales are imperfect. So I'm just going to stick with one, and that will accurately show my weight loss. I was wrong before, I'm not 180. I'm 187 ish (According to my scale at home). I still want to get down to 160. For someone my height, a good weight would probably be about 150, but I want to be realistic and make a goal I can attain. Anyway, that's just seven extra pounds I'm going to have to account for. From now on, I'll weigh in every week...just like Chris. It's gonna be great. Hahahaha...I'm sure some weeks it won't be great. But I'm remaining optimistic. Anyhow, today was a success. I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast...not the best, but it's the weekend. Then for lunch I had a hummus wrap from diesel, a bottled water, and a non-fat latte with one sweet n' low. Dinner was awesome because Tim and Alice made it...mexican lasagna healthy style. Saturday is my "day off". This means I don't have to watch my carbs as much, and I can have desserts (within reason). This doesn't mean I stuff my face, it just means I don't have to be super careful.

After this weekend, I will do my very best to work out everyday. I'm still thinking about back-up plans for when school lets out and I have no gym. I want to join a class...yoga or boxing, and then run on a regular basis (hopefully there won't be this much snow all the time).

In other news, I watched the biggest loser last night with Lindsey. I kept complaining to her about how much I hate the show, and then I sat through a whole episode. It's actually pretty awesome/inspiring. At the end of the season, they had everyone run a full marathon. I can only run a full mile straight as it is, so seeing people who are 250 plus pounds running 26.5 miles was RI-DIC-U-LOUS. :) Yay on them. I'm hoping by the end of this I can run half that. Maybe.

Anywho.

When I was at Tim and Alice's tonight we talked a lot about church and God and spirituality...and my brother asked me to pray for dinner. I said "Dear God, thank you for this food. Amen." And we all started laughing. It's been that long since I've prayed with people. I couldn't think of a damn thing to say. I mean, praying in general has been a struggle throughout college. I think that's partly because when I came out, people told me this: you have to choose God or your sexuality. I started to believe it because I heard it so many times. When someone tells you something over and over and over again, you start to think that it's true. I miss that closeness I used to have with God, and I feel like everyone took it away from me. Even when I had a Christian community living right down the street from me in East Somerville I had it to some extent. Now that I don't have that community, I feel a bit lost in terms of speaking to the God I've known since I was five. Do I even know that God anymore? How do I talk to that God? What pronouns do I use? Too many questions.

Maybe you guys can help me answer some of them.

I know that this weight loss thing relates to the prayer thing...I'm not sure quite how yet.

<3

yours yours yours,

--Beth