DAY TEN:
Huh. Day ten. It feels longer than that. I feel like I've been making a log in my head of all of the different things I've been eating and remembering them like crazy. I guess that I have! Right here. My friend Andy made a point: I've just had a long laundry list on this blog of all of the things my day has consisted of...and that's been helpful because it really makes me realize what I'm putting into my body and doing to my body. But I want to talk more about other things, too. Some more of the why I'm doing and putting things into my body.
Today I was doing fine (emotionally) until about two hours ago...I just crashed. I don't know if that's because I need sleep...or if there is some other explanation for it. Either way, I do this once in awhile. I just feel like there is no love in the world, or if there is it's really hard for me to see. Usually this feeling goes away by the morning, but in the few hours that I feel that way, things suck. I've thought about medicating, but right now that just seems like one more secret "cure" for the pain I have. I don't know how many more I can add to my list. (Don't get me wrong, I seriously understand the need for antidepressants and other similar drugs, I just don't know if it's right for me now.) Anyway, as soon as I started having these thoughts, I wanted to order a brownie sundae. Coincidence? I don't think so. There are other secret cures, but right now my top two are food and sex. I'd really like for this to change, but I'm not sure how to approach the change. I know the healthy alternatives...playing my guitar, calling a friend and getting some coffee, going for a run, laughing to my favorite TV show. But it's so easy to revert to those top two. It's so comfortable.
Anyhow, I didn't order that brownie sundae. I don't plan on it. Non-fat chai in hand, I sat down in the soundbooth and thought to myself: why do I feel like this? Why? What was it (or who) that created these habits? I'm not sure there is a specific answer to that question. I think it's been a painful few years for me. College hasn't been easy. It's only started to be fun in the last year...and I'm so grateful for that. Especially freshman year I spent a lot of hard nights alone in my room feeling that "there is no love in the world" feeling.
I guess maybe I just need an explicit reminder sometimes that there IS love. I just go looking for it in the wrong places.
Please God, help me to change the things that I can.
--Beth
I think it's really wise to view your weight loss goal as part of a system in your life that you want to change. But I also think that looking at everything you want to change might be overwhelming to you. I know that, in a system, when you change one part, every part begins to change as well. If you can think about it that way, drinking one less soda during the day might make it easier to say a two-minute prayer tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteAnd if it's any comfort to you, it took me a few years to recover from (Christian) college. When I admitted I had basically been living/believing like an self-destructive agnostic, I finally started turning my life back to God. I wonder for how many other people college was a dark spiritual place in life. Just remember, Beth: underneath are the everlasting arms.