wow.

Hey all,

this has been a stressful week. For the most part I stayed away from my temptations, kept to the program...but I've definitely had better weeks. It's not over yet. In my discouragement over my strike last night (curly fries and bailey's at sub rosa), I went back on my facebook page and read the blog that my friend Rachel Kelly left for me. It helped. This woman really has some hard-core wisdom to share, so read if you get a chance...especially if you're going through a similar struggle in your weight:

http://glutenfreegirl.blogspot.com/2010/04/carry-that-weight.html

This excerpt in particular really hit me. The first part is from a book called "Savor: Mindful Eating, Mindful Life". The rest is her writing:

"'As you begin to look deeply into the roots of your weight problem, take care not to be harsh on yourself. The 'judge' inside your head often makes you feel abad about all the 'shoulds' — you should not have eaten that cheesecake, you should have spent more time at the gym. You may also be daunted by your past failures and struggles with weight. It is time to stop blaming yourself for these failures. Perhaps you were following the wrong advice. Perhaps you were able to lose some weight initially on one diet or another, but the diets were too restrictive, your cravings took hold, and you eventually gave up and gained the weight back. You are not separate from your family and environment. In the past you did not have enough of the right conditions supporting you to maintain a healthy weight.'

I'm not going to say no to the self I am, or wish to remove parts of myself, or aim for some artificial goal. I haven't weighed myself once in the last month. I'm not interested in the numbers.

I know I am on the right path by the way my clothes fit, by what other people say, by how my body feels. This isn't about a goal for me, the endpoint when I can finally relax and say now I'm good enough. I'm here. Now."

--Shauna James Ahern, "Gluten-Free Girl and The Chef"

This part really hit me hard. On this journey, I've blamed myself so much for some of the weight gain. At times, I feel like that blame has helped me to push harder, but I also need to acknowledge that it's not all my fault I went through some hard times, and food was my coping mechanism. I come from a background where that is acceptable. I'd like that to change, but I don't need to continuously beat myself up when the scale doesn't say what I want it to say.

I need to be real with myself. Shauna said something about "the thirst for the genuine", originally phrased by Mark Doty. I feel that thirst. It's why I started this blog to begin with. I felt this pull in December to be real. When I wasn't making strides to be healthier, I was consuming all of this fake food. I was constantly eating out, and when I didn't eat out I made myself a can of spaghetti-o's or some kind of processed food that didn't take time. I became tired of living fake.

Slip-ups are inevitable. I just need to remember the real every time that I reach for something fried, processed, or sweet.

So, keep being thirsty for the genuine, guys.

--Beth