the trolley screams and lurches toward the city/and I stare at my own eyes in the glass and I smile to think how far I've come--

I've been sick for the last three days. there is something so surreal and other-worldly about being sick. I stay in bed from 10 AM until 5 PM, only getting up for food. I don't kiss my girlfriend on the mouth. even the cats don't share the bed with me. I can't smell anything because my nose is clogged. there is a constant pile of tissues collecting at my bedside. the strangest thing is that everyone around me is in a state of wellness, and they don't understand (in the moment) what it is like to be sick. they are oblivious.

I know, I dramatize it. :) it's my job as a songwriter.

I was driving to my brother's house last night for two hours with my nephew while tim and alice went to see some jazz, and I realized why I hate being sick so much more than I used to: it reminds me of what I was like the year I was so intensely depressed. I completely pulled myself apart from the world, so much that I didn't leave my bed unless it was absolutely necessary. I went to class in my pjs. I couldn't hold a job, because on my break I ended up in tears in the back room. hell, I even cried when I was pouring the coffee some days. that isn't me anymore. and for that, I'm grateful. I guess that's why I work hard to get better now. I don't want to be stuck in bed for too long...I have too much going for me. Meg Hutchinson says it so well in her song "Ready": "no more lonely kitchen table, no more sorrow picking at my brain--no I belong to the day now." only it seems like I needed that painfully poignant time in my life in order to fully appreciate the time I have now. I needed the sadness in order to help the lonely souls that I connect with right now.

so tomorrow, when I go to work for my first day on the job I'll remember this: everything happens for an unmistakable reason. I am capable of loving everyone around me with my whole self, and I'll still have some left over when I get home. I've grown more than anyone around me can imagine, because they never had the same sickness that I did. I'm home free, safe, and am allowed to be happy.

"maybe I'm ready for love..." (m.h.)

--Beth