this morning I woke up with a familiar feeling of dread--of wanting to get in my car and leave. just drive and drive and drive until I can't drive no more. I've always had kind of a "hummingbird" heart, the one that all the songwriters talk about (specifically deb talan and kris delmhorst). however, it's not displayed in the way that most hummingbird hearts are. it's more in my everyday jitters, the anxiety I get over things that are unnecessary, and the need to divide my attention in eight different directions. usually if I get these jitters, I can still them when I concentrate hard enough on having a life and being purposeful. sometimes they just don't go away. like yesterday. I was in a hummingbird place, and I just couldn't budge.
anyway, half way through my day after partaking in some activity, I started to feel better. like less of a tiny fluttering bird and more of a person. I think that the sadness in the world gets me tied up in knots some days, and I am not enough of a sailor to get myself out of them. maybe the universe gave me those knots to make me a better artist. I express the sadness through outlets, and this is my "vocation", if you will. a calling I will forever be drawn to, even if it leaves me in tears at the end of a hard day.
job update: will hear from children's hospital hopefully by tomorrow. interview for a nanny position at 5 tomorrow. possible lead for an administrative assistant job that could be pretty sweet. we shall see.
vocation is rough. knowing what that call is can be daunting. it whispers so quietly that only the thoughtful can hear it.
well--I'm trying to listen. that's the best I can do.
--B
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