gender identity

I woke up this morning from a strange dream. In this dream I had top surgery (a well-known surgery for FTM individuals involving a double masectomy). I think this dream was prompted by the fact that I have had irritating itching on my chest recently because of the totally harmless "fibroid anoma" that was recently diagnosed on my right side, and it has caused me to think about how nice it would be to have a flat chest. It's no secret that I'm not particularly comfortable with the chest that I have, though the discomfort isn't enough (yet) for me to say "off with them". Lord knows I'd be happier if I could walk on the beach with my shirt off, say to hell with sports bras and binders, and maybe even someday flaunt some pecs and biceps. But, for me, it's not $8000 worth of happiness. And I don't feel that I need to modify my body at this time in order to express my gender identity (which is not simply female). All of this thinking post-dream lead me to do some research on different people's fund-raising efforts.

What I discovered was depressing. There are probably hundreds, maybe even thousands of young trans folk raising money online for surgeries that will probably take them years to acquire. Here's an example of one of those:

http://noshirtnoproblem.chipin.com/ashs-top-surgery-fund

Asher's sincere disclosure really tugged at my heart strings as I am someone with other-gender identity. I know how hard it is raising money for a dream (i.e. my record). I can't imagine what a struggle it must be to feel deep down that you are inherently male, but be born with a body that does not lend itself to those feelings. Not only has Asher dealt with that, but he has also had the courage to reach out to people and ask for help with his struggle--something that must be equally as painful because it's such a personal thing. Even more personal than songs that I've written. It is kind of a shame that insurance does not pay for something as important as this...although there is some debate among trans identified people as to whether it is something that healthcare should provide.

Gender is so complex. When I was younger, I took everything at face value. I was a woman; that was something I was fine with owning at the time, though later on I would start to want more. Freshman year of college I started to wear some baggy pants, and even wore the occasional pair of old navy boxer briefs in gray. This was only because of Chris Davies (a hero of mine at the time). Her briefs peeked out of the top of her low riding jeans, and dared me to open my mind a crack. She helped me to come to grips with my identity as a queer Christian, something I still struggle with from time to time. Years went by, and I became increasingly more "butch" (or so my lesbian friends said). My Junior year, I had a bad break up, and I cut all my hair off. At the time, I thought this was just a response to the heartache I was feeling, but I realized a couple of months later that I had been wanting to do this for awhile. I just never felt that I had the space. In my mind, I couldn't be male, because I wasn't born with the hardware for that. I didn't realize you could straddle both lines...though it is a hard thing to do. Most of us would prefer to be one or the other (even trans people). It's still hard for me to know whether I will ever feel the need to make a bigger gesture towards my identity, or if I'm happy the way I am (extra pounds aside).

My senior year I took a directed study on gender identity in young children, and it really opened my eyes. However, when writing papers, I felt like more of an advocate and an ally than a member of the trans community. Now I feel like I understand more completely what it's like to be non-conforming. I am often called "sir", and I don't mind. In fact, I kind of like it. In Alix Olson's words, "So, in the "F" or "M" boxes they give, I forgive myself for not fitting in
And blame the world for lack of clarity. I deliberate."

In any case, Asher's heart spoke to me. I get what it's like to not fit, in one context or another.
Love yourselves and each other,

--B