you don't have to fix this, sit with me tonight--

hey friends,

last week was a tough week. I've been struggling with some depression/anxiety, and to be honest it can't possibly be situational, because most everything in my life right now is pretty dandy. so I'm nipping it in the bud and going to see my therapist and psychiatrist next week. part of it is related to my time of the month, but the rest is unexplainable. at least right now. :)

Lindsey. Lindsey is the best part of my day. I love waking up to her, going bike shopping with her, sharing meals with her, sharing struggles with her, and laughing with her. I love her smile. I get warm and fuzzy every time that I see it. I am so thankful that God put her in my life and I'm more sure everyday that she's a permanent fixture. I've never felt so safe or loved in my entire 23 years.

and, btw, I am now 23! wow.

here is what I'm going to buy myself for my birthday:

http://www.trekbikes.com/us/en/bikes/mountain_hardtail/820/820/

isn't it beautiful? I want to start biking to work as much as possible.

I spent a lovely and peaceful time with my mom on the cape last weekend in celebration of my birthday and hers. we played quirkle (my favorite board game), ate a delicious dinner, had martinis, walked the beach, drove the cape, and went antique shopping. I found a delightful little clock-radio by general electric from the 60's. it's adorable and I plan on plugging it in on my porch to listen to on rainy days in the summer and spring. I'm grateful those seasons are fast approaching.

thank God for you, friends.

--Beth

self-compassion

a friend of mine posted this on facebook, and it got me thinking:

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/02/28/go-easy-on-yourself-a-new-wave-of-research-urges/?src=me&ref=homepage

the article is all about self-compassion and how it does wonders for the soul. I am known for being hard on myself; it's something I've done professionally since I was Will's age. (funnily enough, he's the same way. I see so much of myself in these kids. I bet that's not a coincidence.) I've always had one thing or another that I've actively hated about myself, which is strange because I'm constantly being told by the people that I love that I'm wonderful. this article emphasized the point that people who are compassionate and understanding towards others tend to have a hard time doing the same thing for themselves...for the last two weeks, I've had to turn up the compassion, and I think that may be one of the reasons I've spent so much time beating myself up and feeling guilty. every time that I reach for a small piece of chocolate or log it in my fatsecret account, I'm feeling shame--shame that I shouldn't feel for a measly piece of chocolate. every time that I do something just a little bit wrong at work, I turn it over and over in my head, inspecting how I could do it right the next time and yelling at myself for doing it wrong this time. it just makes dieting and healthy living that much more of a burden. it just makes being me so much harder.

the thing is, I'd love to just let it go. easier said than done. here I am beating myself up for being myself up! it's hilarious. I just ran a half marathon, and all I can think about is how I'm not going to meet my weight goal on friday when I go to personal training. I just started an awesome new job a month ago and all that I can think about is when they're going to fire me for being inadequate, when I haven't done anything to provoke that.

my point is: I'm a loved, beautiful, artistic young person. I just ran 13 miles. I have a great job working with little ones that I love more than a lot of the people around me, and I just met them. I have hope in a future of playing music (in one context or another) with amazing people who support me. I have a phenomenal girlfriend who kisses me at the end of every day. I am surrounded by a God that reminds me of all of this love at every turn, regardless of how hard I try to forget about it.

we shouldn't forget it. we are all so loved, so valuable. I am loved and valuable.

with as much compassion as I can muster,

--Beth

love is a crying baby mama warned you not to shake...

I think today might be a day where lists best express my feelings. lolz. so here we go.

things I have been learning about myself:

-on days where I wake up feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, prayer always seems to lift a bit of that weight off.

-m+ms do not always soothe my pain, in fact sometimes they make it worse.

-I am capable of more than I give myself credit for.

-I have a super-power for loving people. I just need to use it carefully, because sometimes it can be a bit of a kryptonite for my other super-powers. ;)

-babies make me smile, which leads to happiness, which leads to overall peacefulness.



things I need to work for:

-eventually getting rid of my emotional eating habits

-a disciplined schedule

-loving myself and letting the mistakes go

-regularly turning to my support systems when I need them


things I am excited about:

-my upcoming record

-continuing this job

-opening for Anne Heaton on March 6th at Passim

-applying to FRFF

-accomplishing my dreams (big and small)

-spending more and more time with the girl I love <3 (Lindsey)

-starting training with Beth and being proud of my body


people I'm praying for:

-my Katie. for peace in her life and kindness wherever she goes.

-Tim and Alice; for Spring to come soon so that they are not out in the cold with the people they love on the streets.

-my parents. for direction and a clear idea of what the future holds for them.




love yourselves so you can love others,

--Beth

awake my soul--for you were made to meet your maker.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how when you make a real, genuine, big change...it's usually something that is a lifestyle change. it doesn't just change one part of you, it changes all of you. you're happy to do it. it becomes routine. it becomes easy, and free. I'd like it if someday that was the way that I treated my good eating habits, music, job, and workouts. kind of like starting a new job; at first it's hard and stressful and you don't know the ins and outs. after a while though, it becomes second nature. (which will hopefully be the story with this job.) :)

great things that are happening in my life:

-nanny job (I love my kids. they are so so great. even when they aren't.)

-going into the studio in three weeks! omg. freaking out.

-starting a new set of training sessions with Beth Bishop (trainer who helped me to lose the initial 17 pounds). so stoked.

-actually getting paid for once in my life. hehe.

-opening for anne heaton at the beginning of march. !


on a sidenote, I realized recently that I've been putting off seeing a psychiatrist for a long time. I have about two weeks out of every month that for whatever reason (period related or not), are horrible. I feel completely out of my element. both my mom and my girlfriend were urging me to make the phone call, so I finally did. I probably need meds in some capacity. I'm hoping I'll get a call back with an appointment fairly soon, but who knows. doctors can afford to take their time. lolz.

guess this post wasn't very thoughtful. mostly lists about things that are happening in my life.

be good to each other,

--Beth

the trolley screams and lurches toward the city/and I stare at my own eyes in the glass and I smile to think how far I've come--

I've been sick for the last three days. there is something so surreal and other-worldly about being sick. I stay in bed from 10 AM until 5 PM, only getting up for food. I don't kiss my girlfriend on the mouth. even the cats don't share the bed with me. I can't smell anything because my nose is clogged. there is a constant pile of tissues collecting at my bedside. the strangest thing is that everyone around me is in a state of wellness, and they don't understand (in the moment) what it is like to be sick. they are oblivious.

I know, I dramatize it. :) it's my job as a songwriter.

I was driving to my brother's house last night for two hours with my nephew while tim and alice went to see some jazz, and I realized why I hate being sick so much more than I used to: it reminds me of what I was like the year I was so intensely depressed. I completely pulled myself apart from the world, so much that I didn't leave my bed unless it was absolutely necessary. I went to class in my pjs. I couldn't hold a job, because on my break I ended up in tears in the back room. hell, I even cried when I was pouring the coffee some days. that isn't me anymore. and for that, I'm grateful. I guess that's why I work hard to get better now. I don't want to be stuck in bed for too long...I have too much going for me. Meg Hutchinson says it so well in her song "Ready": "no more lonely kitchen table, no more sorrow picking at my brain--no I belong to the day now." only it seems like I needed that painfully poignant time in my life in order to fully appreciate the time I have now. I needed the sadness in order to help the lonely souls that I connect with right now.

so tomorrow, when I go to work for my first day on the job I'll remember this: everything happens for an unmistakable reason. I am capable of loving everyone around me with my whole self, and I'll still have some left over when I get home. I've grown more than anyone around me can imagine, because they never had the same sickness that I did. I'm home free, safe, and am allowed to be happy.

"maybe I'm ready for love..." (m.h.)

--Beth

gender identity

I woke up this morning from a strange dream. In this dream I had top surgery (a well-known surgery for FTM individuals involving a double masectomy). I think this dream was prompted by the fact that I have had irritating itching on my chest recently because of the totally harmless "fibroid anoma" that was recently diagnosed on my right side, and it has caused me to think about how nice it would be to have a flat chest. It's no secret that I'm not particularly comfortable with the chest that I have, though the discomfort isn't enough (yet) for me to say "off with them". Lord knows I'd be happier if I could walk on the beach with my shirt off, say to hell with sports bras and binders, and maybe even someday flaunt some pecs and biceps. But, for me, it's not $8000 worth of happiness. And I don't feel that I need to modify my body at this time in order to express my gender identity (which is not simply female). All of this thinking post-dream lead me to do some research on different people's fund-raising efforts.

What I discovered was depressing. There are probably hundreds, maybe even thousands of young trans folk raising money online for surgeries that will probably take them years to acquire. Here's an example of one of those:

http://noshirtnoproblem.chipin.com/ashs-top-surgery-fund

Asher's sincere disclosure really tugged at my heart strings as I am someone with other-gender identity. I know how hard it is raising money for a dream (i.e. my record). I can't imagine what a struggle it must be to feel deep down that you are inherently male, but be born with a body that does not lend itself to those feelings. Not only has Asher dealt with that, but he has also had the courage to reach out to people and ask for help with his struggle--something that must be equally as painful because it's such a personal thing. Even more personal than songs that I've written. It is kind of a shame that insurance does not pay for something as important as this...although there is some debate among trans identified people as to whether it is something that healthcare should provide.

Gender is so complex. When I was younger, I took everything at face value. I was a woman; that was something I was fine with owning at the time, though later on I would start to want more. Freshman year of college I started to wear some baggy pants, and even wore the occasional pair of old navy boxer briefs in gray. This was only because of Chris Davies (a hero of mine at the time). Her briefs peeked out of the top of her low riding jeans, and dared me to open my mind a crack. She helped me to come to grips with my identity as a queer Christian, something I still struggle with from time to time. Years went by, and I became increasingly more "butch" (or so my lesbian friends said). My Junior year, I had a bad break up, and I cut all my hair off. At the time, I thought this was just a response to the heartache I was feeling, but I realized a couple of months later that I had been wanting to do this for awhile. I just never felt that I had the space. In my mind, I couldn't be male, because I wasn't born with the hardware for that. I didn't realize you could straddle both lines...though it is a hard thing to do. Most of us would prefer to be one or the other (even trans people). It's still hard for me to know whether I will ever feel the need to make a bigger gesture towards my identity, or if I'm happy the way I am (extra pounds aside).

My senior year I took a directed study on gender identity in young children, and it really opened my eyes. However, when writing papers, I felt like more of an advocate and an ally than a member of the trans community. Now I feel like I understand more completely what it's like to be non-conforming. I am often called "sir", and I don't mind. In fact, I kind of like it. In Alix Olson's words, "So, in the "F" or "M" boxes they give, I forgive myself for not fitting in
And blame the world for lack of clarity. I deliberate."

In any case, Asher's heart spoke to me. I get what it's like to not fit, in one context or another.
Love yourselves and each other,

--B

I am my mother's only son...it's enough

this morning I got an e-mail containing constructive criticism from a venue manager. he was saying he'd like to see more of a professional website from me, something that's a little more accessible than myspace. he also commented on the fact that I haven't played a show since October (which was deliberate...trying to graduate, etc). now I know he meant well; I think I just opened it and had a freak out moment. I take advice like this to heart, especially when it comes from someone I respect, or someone who is an authority figure in my life. I've obsessed over it since this morning. it's a habit I picked up from my mother...recently when I've gotten on the phone with her and she's made a mistake at work or had a bad interaction with a friend, I hear so much of myself in her.

more importantly, when she tells me about these imperfections in her day, I try and let her off the hook. because she is so so hard on herself, and so am I.

I know I'm called to play music and to heal people through it--I don't yet know what that will look like in my future. so much of me wants to be a full-time folk-singer, but I've seen how hard it is balancing the business end and the feelings end. I'm great at the feelings--not so much the business. I'm type B. I know I have it in me to be completely on top of my game, I just haven't had the resources to do so until now. and even now it's going to be a month or so before I can afford a real website, and even more months before I can put out my record.

I've seen how talent and business have to go hand in hand; you can't just have the talent. (unfortunately, sometimes you can just have the business. lolz.) I've seen great folk-singers get swept under the rug because they weren't up for the "dog eat dog" mentality.

I don't know, I'm just thinking out loud I guess.

my point is, slow and steady wins the race. like I've said in previous posts, take the criticism in stride and make something beautiful out of it. then we'll see.

love yourselves (first) and the rest will follow,

--Beth

1 AM.

I feel some big changes coming. good changes. maybe I feel this way because it's 1 AM and I'm a songwriter and that's when we do most of our good thinking and I just got a full-time job and I'm running a half marathon in a month and I'm going into the studio in a month and a half and and and. or maybe it's just a feeling--whether or not that feeling turns into an action remains to be seen.

so to those of you who have been in suspense over my full-time job hunt (I know, I know...that pretty much means all of you) ;), I have successfully landed a nanny job. I am completely and totally stoked about this position; the family is beautiful and wonderful, the hours are great, I get paid vacation, and the salary is awesome. mostly I'm excited because I feel like I can make a difference in three kid's lives, and that by itself is amazing. I get to have personal, real connections with people and get paid for it.

however, I know from past experience that "with great privilege comes great responsibility" (did I just quote spiderman?) and so I will take it in stride. I'm going to go week by week, do a thorough job, and still love my life. I know that if I take it too fast and forget to ask questions things get messy.

my sweet girlfriend is asleep in bed next to me. I should be asleep by now, but I'm so excited about the things that are happening right now that I just can't.

Sunday night I baby-sat with Lindsey. my dear friends TJ and Maren have two kids, one of which is their biological child, the other is adopted. their names are Elliot and Lola. they are such loves. we sat with TJ and Maren after babysitting and talked about how they decided to adopt Lola. she's a child from India with disabilities, and we didn't really know the process, so it was interesting to us to learn. one thing I thought was really striking was the fact that they had to look through a catalog to choose which child they would apply to adopt. woah. I can't even imagine. how do you do that? to decide your whole future in the flip of a magazine page is a huge thing. I think about kids a lot lately...whether I see them in my future with Lindsey. maybe some day? we'll see how this nanny thing goes first and take it from there. :)

all I know is that I have a lot of love to give.

taking it in striiiide,

--Beth

the world gives you love to hold on to...remember? we seldom remember love.

this morning I woke up with a familiar feeling of dread--of wanting to get in my car and leave. just drive and drive and drive until I can't drive no more. I've always had kind of a "hummingbird" heart, the one that all the songwriters talk about (specifically deb talan and kris delmhorst). however, it's not displayed in the way that most hummingbird hearts are. it's more in my everyday jitters, the anxiety I get over things that are unnecessary, and the need to divide my attention in eight different directions. usually if I get these jitters, I can still them when I concentrate hard enough on having a life and being purposeful. sometimes they just don't go away. like yesterday. I was in a hummingbird place, and I just couldn't budge.

anyway, half way through my day after partaking in some activity, I started to feel better. like less of a tiny fluttering bird and more of a person. I think that the sadness in the world gets me tied up in knots some days, and I am not enough of a sailor to get myself out of them. maybe the universe gave me those knots to make me a better artist. I express the sadness through outlets, and this is my "vocation", if you will. a calling I will forever be drawn to, even if it leaves me in tears at the end of a hard day.

job update: will hear from children's hospital hopefully by tomorrow. interview for a nanny position at 5 tomorrow. possible lead for an administrative assistant job that could be pretty sweet. we shall see.

vocation is rough. knowing what that call is can be daunting. it whispers so quietly that only the thoughtful can hear it.

well--I'm trying to listen. that's the best I can do.

--B

where you invest your love is where you invest your life.

so here I am. two weeks graduated, and lying in bed with a 1/2 pint of b+j's fro yo. ;) Linds and I went on our epic NYC adventure this weekend, and it was pretty great. however, now I am completely and totally exhausted. I got done with work this morning and I came home and totally collapsed for three good hours. what did we see? haha...short answer, not much. visiting NYC for a weekend is like trying to fit disney world into a day. we stayed in brooklyn with a friend who was gracious enough to host us free of charge...then we explored manhattan and the west village. we took in a show, had a DELICIOUS dinner on saturday night at 10 PM (lolz), met a celebrity (freakin' Jonathan from Buffy was sitting at the wine bar where we attempted to eat dinner), and did some serious shopping. I bought myself a new pair of chucks, some sweet skinny jeans, and a couple of sale shirts at the gap. oh--and a new wallet. hehe.

so now that I'm coming down off of the high that has been the last month, I'm trying to be realistic, which can be disheartening at times. driving home from work was definitely my low today...just the feeling of "omg I'm never going to find a job" was overwhelming. that's totally not true, of course...but it's hard to remember that. update: I got an e-mail from Luis, the man who interviewed me at Children's Hospital. he said to contact HR. not positive if that's good or bad, but I'm leaning towards bad since they hadn't gotten back to me sooner. I have an interview for a nanny position on Wednesday. that could be potentially sweet. good salary, good benefits. we'll see. in the meantime I'm applying for everything I can at Children's (and other places), and hoping I can survive through the month without being severely broke.

I just have to remember that there are people I love who have been looking for jobs for months and still haven't been successful BUT they are still surviving. so I can surely do the same.

New Years Resolutions:

1. make a record. Not just any record, but one that I'm proud of. A record that I hand out to all of my friends and acquaintances with pride.

2. lose another 15-30 pounds. feel good about my body. build muscle, run that half marathon and make it through the thirteen miles (it's in six weeks, gulp).

3. find a job and love it.

4. be proud of myself. not just for my accomplishments, but for my "cor" (heart, courage, in latin). finally get that tattoo.

that's it! I think it's doable. here we go, 2011.

love yourself and love others,

--Beth

hello, 2011

it's 2011. I was barely conscious to wish my beautiful girlfriend a happy new year last night at midnight. but these things happen, I guess. :) it's been a busy few days, so I feel like I have an excuse. I'm sitting in the living room of my brand new apartment. I finally moved in, and it's great! granted, there are things I'll have to get used to but that's just the way it goes, right? I've lived with so many different people in so many different places over the years in Boston, and this is just a new experience.

I wrote my first rent check today. I'm pretty proud of that. it's also pretty scary to be writing out checks that I have to fill (not my parents) for big spending items like rent, utilities, etc. car payments, cell phone bills, insurance...that stuff I'm used to paying for. but this is a whole new responsibility. I'm a little scared of what happens in February when I only have enough for rent and utilities in my savings account...and then I no longer have a savings account! I guess we start a new one, right? better have a full time job (or two part times) by then.

my dad gave me a big fat check for my trip to NYC with Lindsey...which I plan on taking next weekend. so exciting! we're going to stay in a nice hotel for two nights, go to some cool museums and walk the city, visit Amy, and just generally celebrate the fact that I am completely done. grades and all. :)

today = brunch with tim, alice, my cousins, and river. :) Lindsey gets to meet the nephew, which will be fun. he is the sweetest little bundle. then we're off to shelburn falls, MA to see a concert and do yoga. great way to spend the first of this year!

things I'm adjusting to: the new apartment, my financial situation, not being in school, feeling like I really have to do it all on my own now, etc. the good thing is that I feel like I do have the help of a few support systems in place...and so I'm not freaking out. this week I may go visit grandma and aunt sally in ME, because I have a something I'd really like to talk to grandma about (i.e. time to come out of the closet finally). she's the only family member who doesn't really know at this point, though I've never actually voiced it to my aunts or uncles. I think they've caught on by now. she probably has to. I think it'll be fine...she's pretty supportive of some members of her congregation who are LGBT, so it shouldn't be so bad.

well...I'm being summoned to the shower. I must go! oops, forgot to write down my resolutions. which I totally have. for realz. tonight or tomorrow? we'll see.

love yourselves so that you can love others,

--Beth

dates are booked. can't wait.

so. I got on the phone yesterday afternoon to book a date to record. we'll be going into the studio on March 5th (Signature Sounds studio, only the coolest place ever)! ! ! my musicians and I will pack up the car on Friday night that weekend, head down to Pomfret, eat dinner with Mark (our sound engineer), and set up the studio. the next day we'll spend an entire 8-10 hours recording as many songs as we can perfectly, possibly live. we'll see. Mark said that he really wants to highlight the glock parts on this record, and I'm excited to hear what that will sound like. I can see that really working...especially because I love Rachel and everyone else loves her parts whenever she plays with me. I'm totally and completely stoked for this day! we'll spend the majority of February working our butts off and polishing the hell out of these songs. it's going to be great. :)

in the meantime, I need to fundraise. I have enough to go into the studio for the one day, but I do not have the extra it will take to duplicate the record or mix and master it. so that's another story. hehe. if you're reading this and you want to donate, go here: http://www.feedthemuse.net/bethcolegrove

I need about $2000 in order to duplicate, mix, and master. let's keep the checks coming!

I have a whole crapload of other stuff going on, too. I'm moving in with Lindsey tomorrow. OMG. I just ordered something on Barnes and Noble's website and used my NEW address! so crazy. I'm shopping for jobs (still). I'm going on a roadtrip in another week. and and and. so much. it's unbelievable how wide-open my life is. I wake up in the morning and am excited for what comes next. it's great to have that feeling.

love yourself so you can love others,

--Beth

a little freaked out, but hopeful. :)

I am officially a graduate. ! ! ! I went and checked my grades this morning, and I had 3 Bs (B+, B-, B), an A, and a P. :) I am so so happy with that.

Now what?

I'm sure every graduate has this feeling in some capacity. for me it's a feeling of an open road ahead of me...I'm completely unaware of what comes next. I can see it going several ways. scenario 1: I find a full time job by the end of this month, I gig on weekends and nights. scenario 2: no full time job, so I pick up another part time. I work two jobs and gig a ton. scenario 3: no full time, no part time, I work at waltham as much as I can, playing gigs and just scraping by. HOPEFULLY it'll be scenario 1, but I could deal with any of them. I know I won't be turned out on the street either way, which is more than I can say for some of my friends. I'm lucky that way. am I nervous? yes. am I so nervous that it's disabling? no.

I've been putting out resumes left and right, and I'm hoping that at least one of them will lead me to a job. if not, I can get by. I will. I have a family that loves and supports me and a girlfriend who will stick by no matter what. (notice how I'm reassuring myself? haha...)

what I'm praying for is a phone call from Luis in the next two weeks telling me that I got the job at children's. however, I know that's a pipe dream because he probably interviewed a handful of other candidates that were more qualified than I am. we'll see?

all I know is that as an aspiring musician, a full time job with benefits would allow me to do what I want to do worry free. and I want to be fairly worry free! so I'm going to keep sending out resumes. five a day, ideally. keep me in your prayers, friends.

Lindsey is back from Spain, which is a nice big sigh for me. :) after a sweet Christmas, she is home to keep me warm and snuggly. she had a good time, but I can tell she's glad to be back. long trips can be taxing. today's plan: work, picking her up and cleaning her car off so she can go to her massage this afternoon, and trying to make it to the rmv to get my new car registered! I have a new car and a new guitar to start the new year. and my new life as a recent graduate. so many changes in my life, but all good ones...all in an upward direction.

looking back, I'm not really sure how I made it here. I have friends who dropped out of college because it was just too hard, transferred out of Boston, you name it. it could have been me when I think about my freshman year. I was miserable. but I stuck it out, stayed here, and I'm so glad that I did. Boston is really home now.

I move into my apartment with Lindsey on Thursday. dad's helping me load a truck up. I'm so so glad. it's time for a change of location. even if it's not the perfect place for us, we're still able to share it, and that's a big deal. I start packing tomorrow. haha...

I plan on taking a road trip with her to NYC, probably next weekend. my 'rents gave me some money for a trip to celebrate graduation (so nice), and I want to spend it on a weekend in the city, just enjoying life and going for fancy dinners, staying in a nice hotel. we'll probably drive my new car there, park it in a garage for two days and spend the rest of the weekend on foot. her friend Amy lives in the city and so we might have a meal or two with her. go explore all the cute little nooks in the city, maybe go to chinatown, see some art museums. :) I can't wait.

in other news, I've made a decision about how I want to do this record. I want to get Rachel, Jeff, and Kevin to nail down a few dates in February to really rehearse the hell out of some songs. then in March when we're ready, we'll go to Signature Sounds Studio for a full day and lay down as many tracks as we can perfectly. that will be the record. mixing, mastering, and duplication will come once I have the cash. I realized that I want this to be a simple project; something that's really me in a record, but isn't too complex. something gentle.

so. many exciting and daunting things. goodness to come.

<3

--Beth

new gym schedule/list of triggers

I've decided to incorporate some discipline into my routine once I get home from Christmas. so here it is!

Monday: outdoor run. start with 3 miles.

Tuesday: half hour weights, 1 mile on the treadmill.

Wednesday: treadmill run. 3 miles.

Thursday: half hour weights, 1 mile on the treadmill.

Friday: outdoor run. 4 miles.

Saturday: off.

Sunday: off.


triggers (things that make me over-eat or skip the gym):

-needy friends

-work stress

-fatigue (lack of sleep)

-going out for dinner with friends/Lindsey

-family stress

-tiny candies in the work place, or things that roomies leave around the house. if I eat one, then I will eventually eat five.

so I know what I can do to combat these things. obviously there will be slip-ups. but practice makes perfect. it's just like learning an instrument. I need the discipline of practice.

ok? ok. no more excuses. just do it for me. do it because I want to do it.

--Beth

January hit you like a ball and chain, like cigarettes in the pouring rain...

why do we celebrate new years? I'm sure there is some logical/historical reason for the holiday, but the fact is it all seems a little silly. there's that rule that says wherever you are on new years eve is where you'll be for the rest of the year...in some capacity. so if I'm at home watching tv, I'll be a couch potato. if I'm out seeing music, I'll be producing/watching/playing music for the rest of the year. silly. very very silly. so people scramble to find new years plans. it's like if I don't have a plan, then I have no dignity for the rest of the year.

I think it's more likely about having a fresh start than anything else; humans make mistakes and mess up so often that we sometimes need to just say "ok, let's try again". :) my current housemate has a tradition with her best friend. whenever they've had an awful week, or a bad month, they start a new year. they say "happy new year" to each other on facebook and over the phone, and it's the cutest thing ever. plus, it gives them the opportunity to start fresh with someone that they love. lord knows I could use a new start on a few things...but this year is a lot better than others. I know last year, I was DYING for new years eve to come along so that I could forget about the year behind me and start again. and lo and behold, it worked. I got off my ass, boosted my grades, fell in love, etc. this year I'm a little sad to see 2010 go. but I always welcome change--after all, as cliche as this sounds: it's one of the only constants in this silly arbitrary life.

things that I would like to be shiny again include my weight loss/workout routine, a job (hopefully a new one), my folk career, and my living situation. but--this year I feel like my list is full of things that I want to improve on, not change completely. that, I am grateful for. of course I am sure that I can discover a thing or two that needs to be completely revamped in the next few days. ;)

I think December often feels like a waiting period. there's all this build up to the new year, to Christmas, to the birth of Christ...I like this Jason Myles Goss lyric: "December is a heaven that the angels hide". that is how I feel in the month of waiting. like it's almost magical. the first snow fall, giddy Christmas shopping, guiltless indulgences (mmn...Christmas fudge), and long Buffy marathons when I get home from work to pass the time until I drive up to be with family. waiting. I feel like it's this historical and long embedded form of waiting that everyone experiences, though.


well. let's love each other through the waiting, yes?

--Beth

I'm at work right now. nice morning, very peaceful. I got here around 9, did my admin stuff with kidtrax, cleaned up a bit, and now I'm just chillin. I did my devotional right here at the front desk, wrote in my journal, and now I'm blog-a-logging. I just read this article that was pretty thought provoking:

http://www.cnn.com/2010/TRAVEL/12/21/tsa.patdown.sex.crime.victims/index.html?hpt=C2

it's all about the TSA and the recent pat-downs/x-rays they've been doing. the thought had crossed my mind that this could be a giant trigger for those who have been victims of sexual abuse or rape, child porn, etc...and then I saw this article and it confirmed my fears. these poor people are afraid to leave their houses because of the TSA. is this right? I think not. as someone who has people very close who have experienced abuse or rape, I am highly offended by the new security measures that have been enforced. for the emotional and physical safety of survivors, I think this should be put to rest. just personal opinion.

I love going on CNN and reading about what's going on in the world. sometimes it gets to be a bit much though, and I've even admitted to my mother that I get anxious before bed and leave the hall light on after I've read about a murder. it's horrible, and arbitrary, and yet it's all so planned. scary. but then I read articles about miraculous things that happen (like the one about the humpback whale that was trapped in a net and nudged her heroes in thanksgiving), and I am encouraged. because life can be horrible and arbitrary, but it can also be wonderful and arbitrary. that's why we keep getting up in the morning, right?

in other news, I've been feeling more and more encouraged about a new start for January with some more weight-loss. when I'm ready, I'll make some new goals and incentives. maybe when I've lost the initial 2-5 pounds? once again, this time around it's all about enjoying it, not forcing it. there's a picture in my head of this skinny free-spirited me, and I know that I'm part of the way there. I just need to go the extra mile.

after I finish blogging, it's back to the job hunt. I really want to work at Children's, so I'm starting there. but I'm going to extend my reach to other kid's hospitals and definitely continue to consider jobs at residential facilities. I was encouraged when I applied for a child-life specialist position. I didn't realize that the qualifications needed for the position were a degree in child development or a related field (BA). I always thought you needed to be specifically certified in child-life, but at Children's I guess they must train you on the job. interesting. that's something I can see myself loving.

anywho. the other thing I need to get back on is making this record, booking some gigs for the spring, and being a musician again. :) I've raised 1000. I'm half way considering beginning the initial recording process and then going where my heart tells me to from there. thoughts? fellow musicians, is this something that you would advise me to do? I can afford two days of in studio at this point, and I think I could get most of my basic tracks down with that. I've been thinking about my band, and I really enjoyed the set up of my last passim show. Rachel, Jeff, Kevin, and I have good chemistry and sound good together...even if Jeff's parts are a little more sparse on the record since he will be acting as partial producer. I know that I want this record to be simple but unique. no drums, light bass tracks. good harmonies, some unexpected instruments, and I want the lyricism and vocal stylings to stand out more than anything.

I'm looking forward to it.

where there is hatred, sow love, friends.
--Beth

a new nephew, graduation, job interviews, general craziness...

so...a lot has happened in the last year. my nephew was born yesterday afternoon at about 4:45 PM, and that was amazing! his name is River, and he is 8 pounds and 3 ounces of love. I got to hold him a couple of hours after his birth. he is so precious. those little hands/ears/eyes...it's so crazy to be an aunt and to have graduated and to be starting this whole new life in about two weeks.

I feel like I have done a 180. I kept true to that promise. I've lost a good chunk of the bad habits I used to have. but in the spirit of change, I think I may re-title this blog. the days of forcing myself to be better are over. the days of feeling blessed to be able to change are here. I think that this coming year should be about strength and open hands; maybe I'll go back to that place in my life when I asked more questions about what it was I was supposed to do. I truly do believe that everyone has a calling in life. there's something special we're all made to do. I really do stand by the place in my heart for divine intercession and "everything happens for a reason", so with that said:

I'm here God--make me an instrument of your peace.


--Beth

the soul is made of such a thread--no matter how it tears it always tries to mend.

thought provoking day.

I woke up early to go to weight watchers. they've begun a new plan called the "points plus" plan. basically it comes down to adding a point or two more for carb heavy meals, not counting fruits and vegetables, and piling on some more points for every weight watchers member. I think it's a step in the right direction. I really needed something new, so I'm happy about it. I think it will help me to keep on burning those calories and stay optimistic.

I went over to gold's gym and checked the scene out. it looks good...cheap for a year, classes, and nice people. nobody was trying to talk me into bringing a friend or paying more money.

after that I stayed in bed and bummed around a little bit more. typical sunday morning things--laundry, dishes, etc.

then I met a friend in harvard square for some tea. this was when I began to feel strange. lately the stress has just been piling on...graduating, finding a full-time job, moving into a new place, getting by every month on the money I have, and let's not forget family holidays. in any case, what I normally do when I'm stressed is eat. I've been turning to that the last couple of weeks, and I gotta say, it's not really helping. today I decided to have some candy and call it quits after that, but more recently it's been chicken wings, french fries, burgers, chocolate (and all in the same day sometimes). I hate myself even more for it after all is said and done, and it increases my stress level. so this week I'm going to try the new plan. I'm not going to eat any junk, and I'm going to keep my sugar level low. hopefully this will make my stress even more manageable. there's a light at the end of the tunnel; only two weeks or so left of class.

tonight I went to bertucci's for salad with lindsey. we had some good conversation and met some cool people in the square. it made me remember that I should keep my eyes open to strangers. selfishness is over-rated. this week/month I'm going to try something new: the next time I want to go out and eat a huge meal that my stomach can't afford, I'm going to buy something healthy for someone who needs it more. typically I overeat when I'm worried about someone else who I love (or myself), and this could be a way of taking care of someone in a tangible sense and taking care of myself by refusing to eat the pain.

right now I'm listening to the tracks I have so far for the new record. I'm really seeing a story starting to form with all of these songs. I love it when a theme develops in a new project without my effort. it's like all of these songs just fit together in a weird sort of coincidental way. this record is going to be different and I can't wait to actually record it and put it out. just need about $3000. I already have $1000 raised.

well...that's about it for tonight! here's to a good monday.

be good to yourselves so that you can be good to those you love,

--Beth

lucky and thankful and lucky.

I'm sitting on my girlfriend's bed. It's November 24th, day before thanksgiving, and I signed into my blog and realized that it truly has been a year or so since I started this project. While I would have liked to have lost more, I have lost 17 glorious pounds. That, I am proud of. I have made so many life changes since I started this blog (not just my eating habits): I am a regular runner. I have started to pray again. I signed up for a half marathon in February. I am writing songs again. I have learned to have boundaries. I have learned that even when I love someone so hard that my heart wants to burst, even then, I can step back and drink a cup of tea and have a good night's sleep. I wear skinny jeans now. I have a steady job. I don't call in sick unless I am dying (though my supervisor is being wonderful and allowing me the day off on friday, even though I wasn't supposed to have it off). I'm in a healthy and dedicated relationship that does not revolve around some sort of conflict, secret, or sadness. I'm moving in with her in January! I'm graduating! All of this good good change, sometimes overwhelming, but mostly good.

It's been a stressful couple of weeks...talking to professors, family/holidays, work, graduating, etc. But I signed on tonight to remind myself of all of the sweet change I have been making, and the changes that I will continue to make. After all, what is life without change? It's a constant, and I never thought I'd learn to say this--but it's a constant that I welcome thankfully.

Last thanksgiving I was 17 pounds heavier and it showed. Not just on my body, but in my soul.

I used to livejournal about all of the different things in my life that I was thankful for (oh to be 16). :) I am going to revisit tradition:

What it looks like to be thankful as a 22 year old Beth:

1. Thankful for the freedom to express myself and identify as a unique person. Thankful that I'm not so scared anymore.

2. Thankful for biological family, regardless of differences.

3. Thankful for best friends, friends that I've had since I was 16 and livejournal-ing. People who have stuck by me through ramen noodles Freshman year, bad break-ups, depression, weight-gain, changing majors three times, and so much more. So thankful.

4. Thankful for the family that I created for myself when I moved out to Boston. Ani said it right...we make our own families.

5. Thankful for the memories I've made with those who have passed in and out of my life. I will always have a tape recorder in my brain repeating the happy parts.

6. Thankful for the love of my life--someone who sticks by when we're laughing and when it don't come easy. She is the sweetest of sweet, and I'm so lucky. I am.

7. Thankful for singing.

8. Thankful for all of the resources God seemed to throw into my lap. Food, a roof over my head, people to love me. Not everyone gets those things.

9. Thankful for second chances with people I thought were lost and gone.

10. Thankful for the community I am surrounded by on a daily basis in this beautiful city. It's so great to be here (even though I do forget it sometimes).


Here to remind myself that I am so lucky. We are lucky, and we shouldn't forget it. Not ever.


Be good to yourselves so that you can be good to others, and happy thanksgiving

--Beth

New goals. Getting geared up for the fall.

Heyyo--

So it's been a little over two months since I last blogged. Hahaha...I sound like a catholic: "forgive me father for I have sinned, it has been over two months since my last confession". Anyway, it's been two months of being lame and slacking off. So this week I got back on the horse and have been super healthy. I went for an early morning run with my brother and sister in law on Monday, and that helped to set the scene for a good week. I've been doing my points hardcore in a brand new little food log book, and I have a couple of brand new goals.

1. Run a half marathon next year. That means I have an entire year to train for a thirteen mile run, which is totally doable. I'm really proud of myself for believing that I can do this in the first place...I was the kid who was picked last for gym class. I never believed I could run a mile in under 14 minutes, let alone run 13.1! So--I think this goal will be incredibly difficult to attain, but I do believe I can do it with perseverance.

2. Lose another 30 pounds. That's a lot. Last I checked I was down 14 (a little bit up from the last time due to slackage). 14 is great! When I started this project, I was afraid I couldn't even lose 5! So I'm celebrating that. However, that does not mean that I can just stop. I want to lose more! And I want to keep it off. That's the part that's important...I want this to stick. Real lifestyle changes don't happen over-night, they happen over the course of years. So I have to give myself the room to make mistakes while also being faithful to the diet and excersize plan I've made for myself.

I have a more detailed goals and incentives chart on my bedroom wall, and that helps with putting things in perspective. I just want to keep up with checking things off and rewarding myself in the process. Sometimes I forget that it's there.

So--how can you help me? If I'm out for dinner or drinks with you and I am eye-ing the delicious molten chocolate lava cake, tell me to just say no. If I'm on the phone with you after a hard day, and I say "oh, I think I'll just skip the gym today", tell me to haul ass! Tell me that I'm worth so much more than excuses. Because I am.

I am so looking forward to doing this.

<3

Peace,

--Beth