New goals. Getting geared up for the fall.

Heyyo--

So it's been a little over two months since I last blogged. Hahaha...I sound like a catholic: "forgive me father for I have sinned, it has been over two months since my last confession". Anyway, it's been two months of being lame and slacking off. So this week I got back on the horse and have been super healthy. I went for an early morning run with my brother and sister in law on Monday, and that helped to set the scene for a good week. I've been doing my points hardcore in a brand new little food log book, and I have a couple of brand new goals.

1. Run a half marathon next year. That means I have an entire year to train for a thirteen mile run, which is totally doable. I'm really proud of myself for believing that I can do this in the first place...I was the kid who was picked last for gym class. I never believed I could run a mile in under 14 minutes, let alone run 13.1! So--I think this goal will be incredibly difficult to attain, but I do believe I can do it with perseverance.

2. Lose another 30 pounds. That's a lot. Last I checked I was down 14 (a little bit up from the last time due to slackage). 14 is great! When I started this project, I was afraid I couldn't even lose 5! So I'm celebrating that. However, that does not mean that I can just stop. I want to lose more! And I want to keep it off. That's the part that's important...I want this to stick. Real lifestyle changes don't happen over-night, they happen over the course of years. So I have to give myself the room to make mistakes while also being faithful to the diet and excersize plan I've made for myself.

I have a more detailed goals and incentives chart on my bedroom wall, and that helps with putting things in perspective. I just want to keep up with checking things off and rewarding myself in the process. Sometimes I forget that it's there.

So--how can you help me? If I'm out for dinner or drinks with you and I am eye-ing the delicious molten chocolate lava cake, tell me to just say no. If I'm on the phone with you after a hard day, and I say "oh, I think I'll just skip the gym today", tell me to haul ass! Tell me that I'm worth so much more than excuses. Because I am.

I am so looking forward to doing this.

<3

Peace,

--Beth

I could easily gain all of this back.

so. I woke up this morning after a night at the club with Dija, and hopped on the scale...I don't know if it was just my imagination, but the little needle was up a little bit higher than it was the last time I hopped on that scale. granted, it's a crap scale, so it doesn't always read me correctly. but I'm realizing that I could easily gain back my fourteen pounds (and may have already put on two or three of it) if I'm not careful. It's been a terrible week. I've had so many cheats. I don't have any excuses. I have had a lot on my mind, but that doesn't warrant bad habits...in fact it should dissuade them.

I WANT TO KEEP ON LOSING THIS WEIGHT! I don't want to go back up to what I was. I want to keep on losing it. It's only been recently that I've realized I'm not just talking about the physical stuff...there is a burden that I'm really trying to release right now. It's taking a lot of shaking off in order to really stand tall. I want to stand tall, and I want to be proud of my body. I don't want to feed it brownie sundaes, cookies, burgers, and pizza (which are just some of the things I've polluted it with this week). I want to be proud.

It's just such a struggle when I'm out with friends and they say, "oh, just have one drink..." And it wouldn't, if it were a light beer. But it's a margarita, or a chocolate martini. And then I'm down 600 calories and it's 10 PM.

This week=super serious week in Beth's diet life. That means no carbs after 8, lots of veggies, very minimal eating out, and five visits to the gym. I'll weigh myself on the gym scale next Sunday and see where I'm at.

Loving myself so that I can love others,

--Beth

Too much food.

Here is the cruel reality: I have been about 30 points or above on my food log every freaking day this week. OI. big mess up. I would like to trick myself and say that I've been ok, that I haven't been that bad. BUT I HAVE. I need to get back on track, or I will gain back the 12 pounds that I've lost in the last two months. I've worked hard for it, so I refuse to do that.

I have been to the gym twice, and had one day where I helped Lindsey move (which was probably even better than going to the gym), but that's not enough to even out the horrible portion control I've had this week. Not to mention I've just been binge eating like crazy. I've been stressed, but that's no excuse to let myself go. In fact, that's more reason to eat healthy...so that I don't get even MORE stressed. That is something I've learned.

I thought that writing this down and getting it out there would help me to get back on track. This week's goal: starting tomorrow (dumb memorial day excuses be damned), I am going to focus on my fruits and veggies. I will be around 24 points or a couple above that every day, and I'll make it to the gym four times...if not five. That will put me in good spirits for my weekend to myself in Maine, and it will help me to get through the stress of starting new classes on Tuesday.

The thing of it is, this kind of eating does not make me feel good. I feel bloated, stuffed, and generally nutty in the head. Not the right kind of fuel to be putting into my body. As Beth (my trainer) always said, your body is a porsche. You have to put good fuel into it in order for it to function correctly. You wouldn't feed a porsche just any old gasoline.

Signing out for now, guys.

Hold me to it.

Love yourselves.

--Beth

I'm gonna have to try just a little bit harder if I want all the things I know I want before I die--

Hey yo,

So I've been hovering around the 10 pounds lost marker for the last week or so. The reason? I haven't hit the gym hard this week. I went TWICE! Horrors. I may go again today, but it's been a hectic week what with finals and all...and basically I could keep making excuses, but I know that ultimately I'm just going to have to step it up this coming week. Starting tomorrow. I WANT TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT. I look at pictures of myself, and while I'm happier with what I've been seeing recently, it's not the girl that I was my Freshman or Sophomore year of college. It's her plus 30 pounds. I want to be her MINUS some. :)

So this week, I resolve to hit the gym hard no matter what I have going on...school work, emotional pain, a stomach ache, a constant need to sort my sock drawer. It's going to happen. On top of that, no slacking in the food log department. I want to ensure a solid weigh in next Sunday. Even though I was happy with today's weigh in (because I didn't gain anything, and I even lost like...maybe half a pound), I want to be thrilled.

Other things I've been learning: I have a great need to fill this giant empty space in my belly/heart. My big three are food, caffeine, and sex. The days that I feel most fully myself are the days that I don't turn to these things for comfort. I'd like to try and move towards feeling whole...it's a slow journey, though.

Go to bed hungry, my loves...

--Beth

wow.

Hey all,

this has been a stressful week. For the most part I stayed away from my temptations, kept to the program...but I've definitely had better weeks. It's not over yet. In my discouragement over my strike last night (curly fries and bailey's at sub rosa), I went back on my facebook page and read the blog that my friend Rachel Kelly left for me. It helped. This woman really has some hard-core wisdom to share, so read if you get a chance...especially if you're going through a similar struggle in your weight:

http://glutenfreegirl.blogspot.com/2010/04/carry-that-weight.html

This excerpt in particular really hit me. The first part is from a book called "Savor: Mindful Eating, Mindful Life". The rest is her writing:

"'As you begin to look deeply into the roots of your weight problem, take care not to be harsh on yourself. The 'judge' inside your head often makes you feel abad about all the 'shoulds' — you should not have eaten that cheesecake, you should have spent more time at the gym. You may also be daunted by your past failures and struggles with weight. It is time to stop blaming yourself for these failures. Perhaps you were following the wrong advice. Perhaps you were able to lose some weight initially on one diet or another, but the diets were too restrictive, your cravings took hold, and you eventually gave up and gained the weight back. You are not separate from your family and environment. In the past you did not have enough of the right conditions supporting you to maintain a healthy weight.'

I'm not going to say no to the self I am, or wish to remove parts of myself, or aim for some artificial goal. I haven't weighed myself once in the last month. I'm not interested in the numbers.

I know I am on the right path by the way my clothes fit, by what other people say, by how my body feels. This isn't about a goal for me, the endpoint when I can finally relax and say now I'm good enough. I'm here. Now."

--Shauna James Ahern, "Gluten-Free Girl and The Chef"

This part really hit me hard. On this journey, I've blamed myself so much for some of the weight gain. At times, I feel like that blame has helped me to push harder, but I also need to acknowledge that it's not all my fault I went through some hard times, and food was my coping mechanism. I come from a background where that is acceptable. I'd like that to change, but I don't need to continuously beat myself up when the scale doesn't say what I want it to say.

I need to be real with myself. Shauna said something about "the thirst for the genuine", originally phrased by Mark Doty. I feel that thirst. It's why I started this blog to begin with. I felt this pull in December to be real. When I wasn't making strides to be healthier, I was consuming all of this fake food. I was constantly eating out, and when I didn't eat out I made myself a can of spaghetti-o's or some kind of processed food that didn't take time. I became tired of living fake.

Slip-ups are inevitable. I just need to remember the real every time that I reach for something fried, processed, or sweet.

So, keep being thirsty for the genuine, guys.

--Beth

6.5 down!

Hey all,

I kept with the program this week, and lost another pound and a half. Of course, this may fluctuate over the next week because I think I will be on the rag shortly. :) Oh joy. I was around a lot of fattening foods this weekend (and a lot of people eating them), but I said no every time! I'm very proud of myself. This week I want to hit the gym a lot more, and stick with my food log/points.

Cool link: http://www.boston.com/video/viral_page/?/services/player/bcpid6936117001&bclid=570307436&bctid=78548779001

If a 71 year old woman can run a marathon, so can I some day. Damn. And first in her age group! How does that even happen? It puts things in perspective...

In other news, support my musical cause!

http://feedthemuse.net/bethcolegrove

Signing off for now. Keep on going to bed hungry, kids.

--Beth

Five pounds down, 20 to go...

Hey all!

I know I haven't written in a bit. I've been busy figuring all of this out. So about two weeks ago I had a pretty intense personal training session. I realized I needed to stop making excuses for myself and knuckle down, just be ok with this (ani lmao). So after a few awful tears with Lindsey and Beth (my trainer), I told myself I'd be serious and get something accomplished. Two weeks went by, and I was super serious about my food log. I hit the gym five times each week. I lost five pounds in two weeks! I was clearly cheating myself this whole time.

WORD TO THE WISE: Don't cheat yourself. Don't make excuses. It only makes you cry like a silly little fool in front of your buddies. :) Don't waste your time skirting around the thing you KNOW YOU HAVE TO DO. Just do it, because you'll feel so much better when it's done! Hopefully I will continue to lose about two pounds a week (if I'm lucky), and by the end of the summer I'll be a lean mean fighting machine. So after Sunday, I hunkered down with my food log again. I'm keeping at it. The funny thing is that I don't want to go back to eating crap. Binge eating isn't even appetizing to me, because the feeling of losing that five pounds was SO GOOD. Even if I get on the scale on Sunday and find that nothing has changed, I want to keep working at it, because I know it eventually will.

I've been grocery shopping like a maniac. Things I've discovered that have been helpful: organic juice boxes (low sugar low cal and super tasty, can be found in shaw's organic aisle), lots of fruit (grapefruit especially). Measuring cups are helpful for portion control! 1 cup of pasta ONLY. I like to make 1 cup of whole wheat rotini with some zucchini, squash, tomato, and onion. Then I sprinkle different spices on it and go to town. ALSO: I've been trying to drink more water, and I discovered a diet soda by Hansen (organic) that has no sugar, no calories, and no caffeine! :) SUN CHIPS are awesome...you can have 16 of them at only 140 calories. Low carb snacks are the best way to go. Granola bars are tricky. I've been trying to limit my intake, because they are high in sugar and carbs.


SO YEAH.

UH.

That's it for now doods.

Go to bed hungry, my little bunnies--

--Beth