wow.

Hey all,

this has been a stressful week. For the most part I stayed away from my temptations, kept to the program...but I've definitely had better weeks. It's not over yet. In my discouragement over my strike last night (curly fries and bailey's at sub rosa), I went back on my facebook page and read the blog that my friend Rachel Kelly left for me. It helped. This woman really has some hard-core wisdom to share, so read if you get a chance...especially if you're going through a similar struggle in your weight:

http://glutenfreegirl.blogspot.com/2010/04/carry-that-weight.html

This excerpt in particular really hit me. The first part is from a book called "Savor: Mindful Eating, Mindful Life". The rest is her writing:

"'As you begin to look deeply into the roots of your weight problem, take care not to be harsh on yourself. The 'judge' inside your head often makes you feel abad about all the 'shoulds' — you should not have eaten that cheesecake, you should have spent more time at the gym. You may also be daunted by your past failures and struggles with weight. It is time to stop blaming yourself for these failures. Perhaps you were following the wrong advice. Perhaps you were able to lose some weight initially on one diet or another, but the diets were too restrictive, your cravings took hold, and you eventually gave up and gained the weight back. You are not separate from your family and environment. In the past you did not have enough of the right conditions supporting you to maintain a healthy weight.'

I'm not going to say no to the self I am, or wish to remove parts of myself, or aim for some artificial goal. I haven't weighed myself once in the last month. I'm not interested in the numbers.

I know I am on the right path by the way my clothes fit, by what other people say, by how my body feels. This isn't about a goal for me, the endpoint when I can finally relax and say now I'm good enough. I'm here. Now."

--Shauna James Ahern, "Gluten-Free Girl and The Chef"

This part really hit me hard. On this journey, I've blamed myself so much for some of the weight gain. At times, I feel like that blame has helped me to push harder, but I also need to acknowledge that it's not all my fault I went through some hard times, and food was my coping mechanism. I come from a background where that is acceptable. I'd like that to change, but I don't need to continuously beat myself up when the scale doesn't say what I want it to say.

I need to be real with myself. Shauna said something about "the thirst for the genuine", originally phrased by Mark Doty. I feel that thirst. It's why I started this blog to begin with. I felt this pull in December to be real. When I wasn't making strides to be healthier, I was consuming all of this fake food. I was constantly eating out, and when I didn't eat out I made myself a can of spaghetti-o's or some kind of processed food that didn't take time. I became tired of living fake.

Slip-ups are inevitable. I just need to remember the real every time that I reach for something fried, processed, or sweet.

So, keep being thirsty for the genuine, guys.

--Beth

6.5 down!

Hey all,

I kept with the program this week, and lost another pound and a half. Of course, this may fluctuate over the next week because I think I will be on the rag shortly. :) Oh joy. I was around a lot of fattening foods this weekend (and a lot of people eating them), but I said no every time! I'm very proud of myself. This week I want to hit the gym a lot more, and stick with my food log/points.

Cool link: http://www.boston.com/video/viral_page/?/services/player/bcpid6936117001&bclid=570307436&bctid=78548779001

If a 71 year old woman can run a marathon, so can I some day. Damn. And first in her age group! How does that even happen? It puts things in perspective...

In other news, support my musical cause!

http://feedthemuse.net/bethcolegrove

Signing off for now. Keep on going to bed hungry, kids.

--Beth

Five pounds down, 20 to go...

Hey all!

I know I haven't written in a bit. I've been busy figuring all of this out. So about two weeks ago I had a pretty intense personal training session. I realized I needed to stop making excuses for myself and knuckle down, just be ok with this (ani lmao). So after a few awful tears with Lindsey and Beth (my trainer), I told myself I'd be serious and get something accomplished. Two weeks went by, and I was super serious about my food log. I hit the gym five times each week. I lost five pounds in two weeks! I was clearly cheating myself this whole time.

WORD TO THE WISE: Don't cheat yourself. Don't make excuses. It only makes you cry like a silly little fool in front of your buddies. :) Don't waste your time skirting around the thing you KNOW YOU HAVE TO DO. Just do it, because you'll feel so much better when it's done! Hopefully I will continue to lose about two pounds a week (if I'm lucky), and by the end of the summer I'll be a lean mean fighting machine. So after Sunday, I hunkered down with my food log again. I'm keeping at it. The funny thing is that I don't want to go back to eating crap. Binge eating isn't even appetizing to me, because the feeling of losing that five pounds was SO GOOD. Even if I get on the scale on Sunday and find that nothing has changed, I want to keep working at it, because I know it eventually will.

I've been grocery shopping like a maniac. Things I've discovered that have been helpful: organic juice boxes (low sugar low cal and super tasty, can be found in shaw's organic aisle), lots of fruit (grapefruit especially). Measuring cups are helpful for portion control! 1 cup of pasta ONLY. I like to make 1 cup of whole wheat rotini with some zucchini, squash, tomato, and onion. Then I sprinkle different spices on it and go to town. ALSO: I've been trying to drink more water, and I discovered a diet soda by Hansen (organic) that has no sugar, no calories, and no caffeine! :) SUN CHIPS are awesome...you can have 16 of them at only 140 calories. Low carb snacks are the best way to go. Granola bars are tricky. I've been trying to limit my intake, because they are high in sugar and carbs.


SO YEAH.

UH.

That's it for now doods.

Go to bed hungry, my little bunnies--

--Beth

all we have are our love and our guts, baby.

3 miles today. :) Making progress. Slow, but good. Beth had us make goals and incentives for personal training, and I think that is going to be helpful. My big goal is this one: 20-25 pounds lost by the end of June. That's going to be the hard one. My others are a little bit easier: run a 5k, 15 perfect push-ups, and use of the T/walking/riding my bike instead of using my car. I think all of these goals will make me proud when achieved.

Went to Total Body Conditioning yesterday...Jonathan kicked my ass! I was so sweaty and gross by the end of it. And today I did the run, which also kicked my ass. But Enrique Iglesias took care of that.

That's my update. Slow and steady wins the race.

Love,

--Beth

nobody said this would be easy, right?

So,

this week was sort of lame. My body fat went down (which is great, by .3), but my weight stayed basically the same. Granted, I only made it to the gym 3 times (4 including personal training today), and I had a couple of oopsies in the food department (bailey's one night, pad thai another).

I'm not giving up.

I've seen way too many people I love give up, and the result is self-pity and weight gain and sadness.

Week 3 of personal training. I'd like to see some pounds gone by week 8 (which is the very last week), and then I want to keep losing until June. I'm doing the pound for pound challenge (which is great). I pledged 30 pounds. Here's the link if you so desire:

http://www.pfpchallenge.com/

It's just been an off week for me. I'm ready for spring break to come, and I've been sort of slacking in a few different departments. I just need to believe that I can do this, not allow myself to be a victim.

Break is just around the corner! March 14th-21st.

Send me some love, ya'll.

--Beth

CHEAT!

Hey dudes,

today I cheated for the first time in probably two weeks. Maybe one and 1/2. The first half of the day was successful, but then I really wanted some wings for dinner. Wings, french fries, and diet coke. Haha...Then I had a kiddie sundae from j.p. licks. I don't feel that guilty, because I've been so good for the last 11 days...with my new knowledge about the way that calories work, it doesn't freak me out. I've been running regularly, gym-ing, etc. Tomorrow I've got personal training. I just hope that if I've lost some, it shows, instead of being hidden underneath my extra calories tonight. :)

In other news, I got my nose pierced! It looks pretty B.A. if I do say so myself.

On a more serious note, sending prayers out to those in Chile and Hawaii...Scary stuff.

Love from my lips,

--Beth

My pants are getting looser!

This week: not as hard as I thought it would be. I've stayed on track with my eating. I started a food log, which has been great and effective...Also still sending my nightly e-mails to mama. By the end of this week I will have had 4 gym visits and one very rainy run at the Bunker Hill soccer field. That's basically the same as what I did last week. Bunker Hill was fun! I think the next time it rains I will attempt to do the same thing. I ran the track 4 times...not sure if that equals a mile or 2 in this field. But it was enough to get my HR up, and I was so soaked, sore, and cold by the end that I figured I deserved to go home and sleep. :) Today I'm going to meet Lindsey at 5 at the gym and get my workout on...then shower and head to Meg Hutchinson. This weekend I'm going to try the Zumba dance class! Also, another personal training session on Sunday.

This week has been crazy tiring, so I let myself sleep in super late this morning...I woke up at 12:45 from a nutty dream. (Don't worry, I won't describe it to you.) Last night I was the feature performer at Transcriptions which was pretty cool! Even though the rain was a little crazy, there were still 20-30 people there, and they were all good listeners. That's what counts. The bar crowds generally drive me crazy. Too much beer + folk music = no good for the performer. It's always really amazing for me to see a group of queer people under a church roof. Last night was particularly special, because it was SLAM and Transcriptions. I met some really awesome folks, and got lots of names on my mailing list. Keep it growing!

In terms of foods, I haven't been tempted to stray (surprisingly)! I try to start my day out with a filling breakfast (granola and yogurt or oatmeal). Then I have a light lunch (salad, a sandwich with carrot sticks, something like one of those). Dinner varies, but it's always healthy. Portion control has been a big part of this, and cutting down on caffeinated beverages (they slow down your metabolism, and mine is already slow enough). Juice boxes are great, because they are small (portion control) and really don't have too much in the way of calories or sugar (depending on the brand). Everything in moderation.

When I think about eating a burger or french fries or chicken fingers, I remember that I have the free will to do that. I can, but I choose not to. Because I always feel better when I eat a healthy alternative! It's just the truth. Once in awhile you just need to cheat, though.

Anyway...

That's my update for ya'll...hopefully on Sunday I'll have some good news about weight loss. If not, no worries. There is always next week. Sometimes my body takes a little time to adjust to new habits and shed those pounds.

Love,

--Beth