a new nephew, graduation, job interviews, general craziness...

so...a lot has happened in the last year. my nephew was born yesterday afternoon at about 4:45 PM, and that was amazing! his name is River, and he is 8 pounds and 3 ounces of love. I got to hold him a couple of hours after his birth. he is so precious. those little hands/ears/eyes...it's so crazy to be an aunt and to have graduated and to be starting this whole new life in about two weeks.

I feel like I have done a 180. I kept true to that promise. I've lost a good chunk of the bad habits I used to have. but in the spirit of change, I think I may re-title this blog. the days of forcing myself to be better are over. the days of feeling blessed to be able to change are here. I think that this coming year should be about strength and open hands; maybe I'll go back to that place in my life when I asked more questions about what it was I was supposed to do. I truly do believe that everyone has a calling in life. there's something special we're all made to do. I really do stand by the place in my heart for divine intercession and "everything happens for a reason", so with that said:

I'm here God--make me an instrument of your peace.


--Beth

the soul is made of such a thread--no matter how it tears it always tries to mend.

thought provoking day.

I woke up early to go to weight watchers. they've begun a new plan called the "points plus" plan. basically it comes down to adding a point or two more for carb heavy meals, not counting fruits and vegetables, and piling on some more points for every weight watchers member. I think it's a step in the right direction. I really needed something new, so I'm happy about it. I think it will help me to keep on burning those calories and stay optimistic.

I went over to gold's gym and checked the scene out. it looks good...cheap for a year, classes, and nice people. nobody was trying to talk me into bringing a friend or paying more money.

after that I stayed in bed and bummed around a little bit more. typical sunday morning things--laundry, dishes, etc.

then I met a friend in harvard square for some tea. this was when I began to feel strange. lately the stress has just been piling on...graduating, finding a full-time job, moving into a new place, getting by every month on the money I have, and let's not forget family holidays. in any case, what I normally do when I'm stressed is eat. I've been turning to that the last couple of weeks, and I gotta say, it's not really helping. today I decided to have some candy and call it quits after that, but more recently it's been chicken wings, french fries, burgers, chocolate (and all in the same day sometimes). I hate myself even more for it after all is said and done, and it increases my stress level. so this week I'm going to try the new plan. I'm not going to eat any junk, and I'm going to keep my sugar level low. hopefully this will make my stress even more manageable. there's a light at the end of the tunnel; only two weeks or so left of class.

tonight I went to bertucci's for salad with lindsey. we had some good conversation and met some cool people in the square. it made me remember that I should keep my eyes open to strangers. selfishness is over-rated. this week/month I'm going to try something new: the next time I want to go out and eat a huge meal that my stomach can't afford, I'm going to buy something healthy for someone who needs it more. typically I overeat when I'm worried about someone else who I love (or myself), and this could be a way of taking care of someone in a tangible sense and taking care of myself by refusing to eat the pain.

right now I'm listening to the tracks I have so far for the new record. I'm really seeing a story starting to form with all of these songs. I love it when a theme develops in a new project without my effort. it's like all of these songs just fit together in a weird sort of coincidental way. this record is going to be different and I can't wait to actually record it and put it out. just need about $3000. I already have $1000 raised.

well...that's about it for tonight! here's to a good monday.

be good to yourselves so that you can be good to those you love,

--Beth

lucky and thankful and lucky.

I'm sitting on my girlfriend's bed. It's November 24th, day before thanksgiving, and I signed into my blog and realized that it truly has been a year or so since I started this project. While I would have liked to have lost more, I have lost 17 glorious pounds. That, I am proud of. I have made so many life changes since I started this blog (not just my eating habits): I am a regular runner. I have started to pray again. I signed up for a half marathon in February. I am writing songs again. I have learned to have boundaries. I have learned that even when I love someone so hard that my heart wants to burst, even then, I can step back and drink a cup of tea and have a good night's sleep. I wear skinny jeans now. I have a steady job. I don't call in sick unless I am dying (though my supervisor is being wonderful and allowing me the day off on friday, even though I wasn't supposed to have it off). I'm in a healthy and dedicated relationship that does not revolve around some sort of conflict, secret, or sadness. I'm moving in with her in January! I'm graduating! All of this good good change, sometimes overwhelming, but mostly good.

It's been a stressful couple of weeks...talking to professors, family/holidays, work, graduating, etc. But I signed on tonight to remind myself of all of the sweet change I have been making, and the changes that I will continue to make. After all, what is life without change? It's a constant, and I never thought I'd learn to say this--but it's a constant that I welcome thankfully.

Last thanksgiving I was 17 pounds heavier and it showed. Not just on my body, but in my soul.

I used to livejournal about all of the different things in my life that I was thankful for (oh to be 16). :) I am going to revisit tradition:

What it looks like to be thankful as a 22 year old Beth:

1. Thankful for the freedom to express myself and identify as a unique person. Thankful that I'm not so scared anymore.

2. Thankful for biological family, regardless of differences.

3. Thankful for best friends, friends that I've had since I was 16 and livejournal-ing. People who have stuck by me through ramen noodles Freshman year, bad break-ups, depression, weight-gain, changing majors three times, and so much more. So thankful.

4. Thankful for the family that I created for myself when I moved out to Boston. Ani said it right...we make our own families.

5. Thankful for the memories I've made with those who have passed in and out of my life. I will always have a tape recorder in my brain repeating the happy parts.

6. Thankful for the love of my life--someone who sticks by when we're laughing and when it don't come easy. She is the sweetest of sweet, and I'm so lucky. I am.

7. Thankful for singing.

8. Thankful for all of the resources God seemed to throw into my lap. Food, a roof over my head, people to love me. Not everyone gets those things.

9. Thankful for second chances with people I thought were lost and gone.

10. Thankful for the community I am surrounded by on a daily basis in this beautiful city. It's so great to be here (even though I do forget it sometimes).


Here to remind myself that I am so lucky. We are lucky, and we shouldn't forget it. Not ever.


Be good to yourselves so that you can be good to others, and happy thanksgiving

--Beth

New goals. Getting geared up for the fall.

Heyyo--

So it's been a little over two months since I last blogged. Hahaha...I sound like a catholic: "forgive me father for I have sinned, it has been over two months since my last confession". Anyway, it's been two months of being lame and slacking off. So this week I got back on the horse and have been super healthy. I went for an early morning run with my brother and sister in law on Monday, and that helped to set the scene for a good week. I've been doing my points hardcore in a brand new little food log book, and I have a couple of brand new goals.

1. Run a half marathon next year. That means I have an entire year to train for a thirteen mile run, which is totally doable. I'm really proud of myself for believing that I can do this in the first place...I was the kid who was picked last for gym class. I never believed I could run a mile in under 14 minutes, let alone run 13.1! So--I think this goal will be incredibly difficult to attain, but I do believe I can do it with perseverance.

2. Lose another 30 pounds. That's a lot. Last I checked I was down 14 (a little bit up from the last time due to slackage). 14 is great! When I started this project, I was afraid I couldn't even lose 5! So I'm celebrating that. However, that does not mean that I can just stop. I want to lose more! And I want to keep it off. That's the part that's important...I want this to stick. Real lifestyle changes don't happen over-night, they happen over the course of years. So I have to give myself the room to make mistakes while also being faithful to the diet and excersize plan I've made for myself.

I have a more detailed goals and incentives chart on my bedroom wall, and that helps with putting things in perspective. I just want to keep up with checking things off and rewarding myself in the process. Sometimes I forget that it's there.

So--how can you help me? If I'm out for dinner or drinks with you and I am eye-ing the delicious molten chocolate lava cake, tell me to just say no. If I'm on the phone with you after a hard day, and I say "oh, I think I'll just skip the gym today", tell me to haul ass! Tell me that I'm worth so much more than excuses. Because I am.

I am so looking forward to doing this.

<3

Peace,

--Beth

I could easily gain all of this back.

so. I woke up this morning after a night at the club with Dija, and hopped on the scale...I don't know if it was just my imagination, but the little needle was up a little bit higher than it was the last time I hopped on that scale. granted, it's a crap scale, so it doesn't always read me correctly. but I'm realizing that I could easily gain back my fourteen pounds (and may have already put on two or three of it) if I'm not careful. It's been a terrible week. I've had so many cheats. I don't have any excuses. I have had a lot on my mind, but that doesn't warrant bad habits...in fact it should dissuade them.

I WANT TO KEEP ON LOSING THIS WEIGHT! I don't want to go back up to what I was. I want to keep on losing it. It's only been recently that I've realized I'm not just talking about the physical stuff...there is a burden that I'm really trying to release right now. It's taking a lot of shaking off in order to really stand tall. I want to stand tall, and I want to be proud of my body. I don't want to feed it brownie sundaes, cookies, burgers, and pizza (which are just some of the things I've polluted it with this week). I want to be proud.

It's just such a struggle when I'm out with friends and they say, "oh, just have one drink..." And it wouldn't, if it were a light beer. But it's a margarita, or a chocolate martini. And then I'm down 600 calories and it's 10 PM.

This week=super serious week in Beth's diet life. That means no carbs after 8, lots of veggies, very minimal eating out, and five visits to the gym. I'll weigh myself on the gym scale next Sunday and see where I'm at.

Loving myself so that I can love others,

--Beth

Too much food.

Here is the cruel reality: I have been about 30 points or above on my food log every freaking day this week. OI. big mess up. I would like to trick myself and say that I've been ok, that I haven't been that bad. BUT I HAVE. I need to get back on track, or I will gain back the 12 pounds that I've lost in the last two months. I've worked hard for it, so I refuse to do that.

I have been to the gym twice, and had one day where I helped Lindsey move (which was probably even better than going to the gym), but that's not enough to even out the horrible portion control I've had this week. Not to mention I've just been binge eating like crazy. I've been stressed, but that's no excuse to let myself go. In fact, that's more reason to eat healthy...so that I don't get even MORE stressed. That is something I've learned.

I thought that writing this down and getting it out there would help me to get back on track. This week's goal: starting tomorrow (dumb memorial day excuses be damned), I am going to focus on my fruits and veggies. I will be around 24 points or a couple above that every day, and I'll make it to the gym four times...if not five. That will put me in good spirits for my weekend to myself in Maine, and it will help me to get through the stress of starting new classes on Tuesday.

The thing of it is, this kind of eating does not make me feel good. I feel bloated, stuffed, and generally nutty in the head. Not the right kind of fuel to be putting into my body. As Beth (my trainer) always said, your body is a porsche. You have to put good fuel into it in order for it to function correctly. You wouldn't feed a porsche just any old gasoline.

Signing out for now, guys.

Hold me to it.

Love yourselves.

--Beth

I'm gonna have to try just a little bit harder if I want all the things I know I want before I die--

Hey yo,

So I've been hovering around the 10 pounds lost marker for the last week or so. The reason? I haven't hit the gym hard this week. I went TWICE! Horrors. I may go again today, but it's been a hectic week what with finals and all...and basically I could keep making excuses, but I know that ultimately I'm just going to have to step it up this coming week. Starting tomorrow. I WANT TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT. I look at pictures of myself, and while I'm happier with what I've been seeing recently, it's not the girl that I was my Freshman or Sophomore year of college. It's her plus 30 pounds. I want to be her MINUS some. :)

So this week, I resolve to hit the gym hard no matter what I have going on...school work, emotional pain, a stomach ache, a constant need to sort my sock drawer. It's going to happen. On top of that, no slacking in the food log department. I want to ensure a solid weigh in next Sunday. Even though I was happy with today's weigh in (because I didn't gain anything, and I even lost like...maybe half a pound), I want to be thrilled.

Other things I've been learning: I have a great need to fill this giant empty space in my belly/heart. My big three are food, caffeine, and sex. The days that I feel most fully myself are the days that I don't turn to these things for comfort. I'd like to try and move towards feeling whole...it's a slow journey, though.

Go to bed hungry, my loves...

--Beth